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Another Meandering Morality Play (for Loz)


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Thought you might all like to know that I?ve just returned from the latest BABS meeting and there are definite signs of recuperation for Motty, Lorro, Hansen and that little guy with the big ears who sells crisps. Sadly, Garth Crooks remains, as we always feared, a hopeless case...

For those of you who were unaware of the organisation, BABS (Blame Anyone But Stevie) was set up with the sole intention of curing football commentators and pundits alike of their obsessive desire to see Steven Gerrard absolved of all blame for errors on a football pitch - especially those that are bleeding obvious (the over hit pass) or are unedifying (the blatant dive) or those, as in Saturday?s examples in the FA Cup game against the Arse, that result in goals for the opposition (the excruciatingly diffident defensive tackles known as kop-outs).

The latest meeting proved particularly rewarding for the saddos (or members as they prefer to be called) and for the first time Motty even felt able to stand up in front of the group and announce ?My name is John and I?m not afraid to criticise Stevie G? - a breakthrough if ever there was one!

Personally I put it down to today?s slideshow, presented by guest speaker Rafa Benitez and entitled ?Why I tried to keep the Icon out wide?, which was delivered with great enthusiasm by the corpulent Spaniard and punctuated by cries of ?Seeez what I mean!? and ?Now I eeez not as stupid as I look, no??

Predominant amongst the slides were those highlighting the fact that both Rosicky goals had a similar look to them - struck from just outside the box whilst confronted by a player who, to be kind to him, was a little reticent in the tackle department. Match of the Day and its incessant use of replays had earlier given BABS members the opportunity to name the said player in front of an audience of millions, but of course they declined to do so, what with him being Steven Gerrard and the broadcasters being at such an early stage in their treatment.

However, now that the first member of the group has stood up and admitted his illness, albeit only in front of a select band of likeminded sycophants, there is a hope that all these pundits can kick their habit altogether and eventually pluck up the courage to criticise the golden boy on National TV sometime in the near future.

In the meantime the public at large must pray that temptations, such as Sky?s recent Poll declaring Stevie to be the most wanted player for ever and ever, do not cause the afflicted to suffer a relapse. Naturally, hat tricks from such gifted players as Frank Lampard (plus a comparative look at the OPTA stats) would go some way to alleviating the problem, if only it wasn?t for the fact that blind infatuation for Stevie is symptomatic of the disease.

Still, the BBC are hopeful that the next guest speaker for the group, a new employee called Kelvin, will go some way towards highlighting the seriousness of the issue. Apparently his talk is entitled ?Selective truth-telling on Merseyside? and it is likely to go down a storm. As usual refreshments will be available, but the audience must bring their own grievances, pit-bulls and placards.

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Maybe you would be so kind as to inform the public at large whether the agenda for the BABS meeting also included an in depth analysis of the ROSTPIF (often misinterpreted at Ashburton Grove as an invite to dinner).

It stands for 'Reluctance Of Stevie To Play In a Forward'

It is a particularly pertinent issue for the most recent meeting of BABS as it was shown in all its glory against Arsenal. Stevie breaks from midfield, charging forward on the break, a team mate running left of him, a teammate running right.

Stevie weighs up his options (well not really - that was for dramtic effect) and shoots from 25 yards well wide of the post.

The commentating member of BABS comments 'Gerrard had support up with him but neither player was running into a useful position so he was right to shoot'

Then we see the replay...the runners running into excellent space, Gerrard not looking left, not looking right, Gerrard shoots.

From the commentary box........abruptly the sound ceased. Until the goal kick was taken, then all was good again, as if it had never happened!

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Brilliant as usual Dorset.

A pundit on Sky, whose name I have forgotten, felt he could not avoid a criticism of the great Mr G (MBE). However the criticism went something like this:

"Gerrard, who of course is a sublime player, may just have done slightly better there"

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Well, this is awkward!

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Sure, let me in!