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They?re Changing Guard at David Moores Palace

Chelsea Megastore
Chelsea Megastore

Chelsea Megastore

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Scene:- The boardroom of the Dunkin? Doughnuts Stadium, Stanley Park, June 2008. Joint owners George Gillett Jr and Tom Hicks sit behind an impressively long table. They are both wearing Stetson hats, a symbol of status introduced to the club on their arrival the previous year, similar to jazz musicians in the 1940?s wearing assorted headgear indoors to denote self importance. Latino music is gently piped the length of the room to create a welcoming ambiance and first team manager Rafa Benitez enters to the samba beat?

Gillett and Hicks - ?Hey Rafa, my main man, gimme five!? the Americans yell in unison, raising their hands to a height Benitez can barely reach, but he still struggles to clash palms nevertheless. The smack is heard above the music and the reverberation makes the fringe on Rafa?s sombrero sway rhythmically. He takes his seat opposite his elders and shuffles papers in a nervous fashion whilst waiting for the meeting to start.

Hicks - ?Got your wish list this morning, Rafa, and I gotta say I?m mighty impressed with the names. Maybe this season we might even get to buy some of them, eh?? He looks quizzically at the coach, as if searching for an answer to the club?s failure to make a big name signing for season 2007/8.

Benitez (red faced and flustered) - ?Eez difficult, when players don?t perform, to attract others in, but we try and win. We have good players already here and we are a big club.?

Gillett - ?And we?re rootin? for you Rafa, believe me! It?s just that there ain?t been no progress made since Tom and I moseyed on down and we?re getting a little tired of these goddam nil-nil draw thingeys. There has to be some great offence guys out there, so how come they don?t wanna be in here??

Benitez (tipping back his hat and mopping his brow with a neckerchief that?s tied around his neck, gaucho-style) - ?We are a big club and we have good players, but eez difficult. Some players don?t perform, but we try and win and my list is good, no??

Gillett (perching spectacles on the end of his nose and surveying the wish list with a squint) - ?Yup, I?ve heard of these two guys. So we can get Ron and Dinho for ?75m, eh? Hell, that?s good business considerin? the top half of a 4-4-2 is dealt with in one hit. Lotta money though, so maybe this next duo would be better.? He holds the paper at arms length, squints even more and slowly drawls ?Fern and de T-o-r-r-e-s. Hot diggerdee, they?re only ?25m, what is that, Rafa - a buy one, get one free deal??

Benitez (shaking his head and somewhat incoherently) - ?No, eez not easy I know, but eez not two, eez one and Fernando too, eez one.? and then, in desperation ?Maybe we try to buy English, no??

Hicks (snatching the list from Gillett and pointing to the next name halfway down the page - ?Saw this guy Wade Rooney the other week. Yikes, is he for real? Back home we?d have knocked some sense into him by now, but I guess you?re more inclined to accept that sortta behaviour over here. Much as ah?d rather wait for a good lookin? draft pick, if he?s gonna get us a goal or two and Sky think he?s got the selling power of Brad Pitt, who?s li?ll old me to argue? Hey Rafa, can we get him for ?40m if we throw Belle and Mia in too??

Benitez (losing patience and the will to live in equal measure) - ?Eez difficult, when players don?t perform, to attract others in, but we try. We have good players and we are a big club.?

Gillett (standing up and puffing out his chest) - ? I?m hearing what you?re sayin? Rafa and we?re gonna get this Wade guy if it kills us! Hell, when we got inta bed with those dunkin? doughnuts we squeezed enough jam out to buy ten Jade Dooleys! - and, Rafa, let?s not forget your weekly consignment. Frankly, whatever it is about this club that makes the really great players back off I don?t know, but it?s gonna have to change, cuz we ain?t no country boy hicks.

Hicks - ?No we ain?t?

Just at that moment there is a knock at the door and two Liverpool first team players walk in. Stevie and Jamie, resplendent in their England caps, with tassels swaying to the Latino sounds. They breeze up to their boss and slap him on the back...

Stevie - ?Taught we?d find you here, Gaffer. Just ta let ya know tha? we?re off ta Belly?s party a bit early so we can sink a few bevvies first. Penny?s coming too, if da venue?s inside his tag radius, cos the authorities will check it - day do dat, don?t day??

Without waiting for a response, the two lovable Scousers turn to exit, only to find their manners and give condescending little waves in the direction of the owners - ? See ya, George. See ya, Tom.? - and then they are off to enjoy the pleasures of Liverpudlian nightlife, leaving George, Tom and Rafa listening to the catchy strains of Gloria Estefan?s Dr Beat.

Gillett (in reflective mood) - ?It?s kinda got me thinking ya? all - with the good-hearted folk they?ve got in these parts, the supporters, the tradition, the history, you gotta wonder why the best players in world haven?t fallen over themselves to join Liverpool FC in the past, let alone now, when we can offer them so much, plus a lifetime supply of doughnuts. Funny old game, soccer. Whadya say, Rafa??

Benitez (resigned, in all but the truest sense of the word) - ?Eez difficult, we are a big club?

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Very nicely done Dorset

And to make it all the more instant here is an extract from an article on Auntie Beeb

Liverpool chief executive Rick Parry has moved to appease fans concerned by some comments made by new joint-owner George Gillett.

Gillett, who has bought the club with fellow American tycoon Tom Hicks, called the Merseysiders a "franchise" and "Liverpool Reds".

"George maybe made that mistake a couple of times," Parry told BBC Radio Four's Today programme.

"If I went over there I might make the odd linguistic mistake."

Those 'linguistic' problems again eh.

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http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/ ... 350494.ece

A perfect roster to take Liverpool Reds to the Champions Bowl

American scouts have prepared a guide to some of the Liverpool squad for the new owners:

Jose Reina

Netminder with 19 shutouts this regular season. Save average of .854 in last five outs.

James Carragher

Captain of defense ? 2,963 minutes of field time with powerplay change-up stats of 5-6-3.

Steve O?Finnan

Defensive cornerback and outside linebacker ranked six in division for forward offense running plays. 245 defensive tackle ratio.

Sam Hyypia

Veteran centerblocker famed for aerial rebound ability. From Finlandland.

John-Arnold Riise

Cornerman who regularly features in goalshot of the month sweeps with a left strike rated in top five nationwide for sweetness.

Gerrard Steven

Team MVP, captain and midfielderman famed for power running. Center, right wingerbacker (offensive and defensive) and secondary power forward. Career high came in Pro-Ball showdown against the Milan Tumblers.

Craig Bellamy

Controversial wide receiver/goal forward rated division?s third most likely to face red-card takedown in grudge slams. Has switched franchises several times.

Robert Bernard Fowler

Veteran strike attacker and all-time Liverpool Reds Hall of Famer. Once considered league MVP for shot-zone rebounds and accuracy in the paint.

Jermaine Pennant

Wide receiver/running forward has rushed for over 1,000 yards in rookie season.

Peter Crouch Jr

Power forward who could have potential if consortium moves into NBA.

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