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Player Ratings V Liverpool with Bonus Body-Part Comparison

Eton Blue at the Chelsea Megastore

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Victories against the red sh*te are always wonderful especially when you live in Ireland and are surrounded by plastics. Oh the sweet sound of bubbles bursting. This week's fun theme is a comparison with Chelsea players and parts of the body.


Cech - 7 Made his usual couple of vital saves and generally his handling was good. Poor distribution as usual and a reluctance to come off his line on set pieces but still a top class performer.


Penis - An essential part of the body and like Petr at its best when it's long and straight. Both penises and Petr are topped off by a helmet.


Terry - 8 Thriving under Mourinho again as the system allows him to commandeer without any of that high line nonsense. Suarez was the rancid meat in the Terry/Cahill sandwich yesterday.


Heart - Quite simply the most important body part and also the source of our emotions leading to the occasional explosion of tears.  


Cole - 6 Defended well enough when he came on without threatening much on the ball.


Kidney - Performs a vital function over a sustained period of time. Given Cole's toxic personality I suspect that like the kidney if you got close enough to him there would be a slight pang of urine.


Ivanovich - 4 Looked like he was trying too hard and his loss was not keenly felt. We all love him, and rightly so, but he's not a full-back. His injury remains a mystery and Eva certainly had no clue so he told him to walk up the line while she followed him, looking at his arse. 


Buttocks - Obviously.


Cahill - 8 Proper centre half with a fantastic ability for the last ditch tackle. Enjoys playing with JT and it looks as if the feeling is mutual. Should be the second name on the team sheet each week.


Lungs - Essential for the heart to work at maximum efficiency.


Azpi - 7 Solid defensively and gave Liverpool something to think about going forward. Can certainly be relied on at full-back if never looking like he could be world class.


Thumb - Not the most glamourous part of the body but increasingly important in today's world.


Oscar - 7 We wondered if he could defend and the answer is clearly yes. Well on his way to becoming an athlete rather than a footballer but still has enough skill to delight occasionally.


Pinky - Cute body part loved by children and can be dangled when drinking tea. Just like Oscar.


Hazard - 9 Please Jose, please leave him alone. Players who are worth the price of admission must be allowed to play and at the moment that is the case with Hazard. Thankfully he is able to do the defending he is expected to but on the ball he is a joy to watch. Not only does he do the glamourous stuff but he also has the ability to turn a routine ball, into his feet, on the touchline, with his back to the goal, into an attacking position. Priceless.  


Vagina - Obviously.


Lampard - 6 Enjoying the trust of the manager and just about justifying his selection every week. He does bring balance and intelligence to the midfield and remains a top player if slightly less effective than before.


Brains - Has there ever been a more intelligent footballer? I doubt it. Maximises both his and the body's potential. Will hopefully manage the team one day.  . 


Mikel - 6 My half-time dump proved more troublesome than expected so when I sat down again it was 3 minutes into the second half. I was greeted by the sight of Mikel which made me want to revisit the toilet, this time to vomit. Did ok in his usual incredibly limited way.


Appendix - Despite years of research no one can accurately say what this brings to the body. All we know is that when it is removed there is no discernable diference.


Eto'o - 7 Unfortunately playing from memory, a bit like Shevchenko when he came. Luckily his memory is slightly better than Sheva's was. Good movement for his goal but he is clearly not the answer to our striking problems.


Bald Head - Just makes you sad when you look at it remembering how much better it looked with hair.  


Torres - 6 Put in a bit of a shift when he came on which contained, in only eight minutes, a perfect cameo of everything that is right and wrong with him. 


Clitoris - Gives pleasure to some people I've heard but to the vast majority of us is an irrelevance. Like Torres on the pitch the clitoris can be difficult to find. Needs to be treated with incredible skill and sensitivity to be effective. If a clitoris had a mouth I would imagine it would be set in a permanent pout, just like our hero.




Eye - Serves both an essential function, and also an aesthetic one, the eye and Mata are perfectly matched. The subject of poetry and song the eye must arouse jealousy in the more functional body parts. Also the source of the tear ducts and mine are certainly active when I see how he is being treated. In his interview yesterday Jose bemoaned the forced substitutions which meant he could not introduce his flair players. I thought that Juan was about to be given a boost but no, it was Schurrle to whom he was referring. Part of me wants him to be transplanted to another body so I can enjoy his beauty again.


Mourinho - 8 Is well on the way to producing the perfect Mourinho midfield composed of athletes functioning as a well-drilled unit. Tactically spot on as usual and nullified Liverpool's considerable threat brilliantly. We may well win the title this season which will make all of us very happy.


Nipple - Like Mourinho the appearance of the nipple can make us all rock hard. A finely judged appearance of the nipple can be used to distract from the poor functioning of other body parts, like a bad hair day for example. Can also perform a nurturing role particularly with the young. Sudden removal of the nipple can cause heart break especially when replaced by an oversized plastic teat manufactured in a dodgy Spanish factory. Its return can soothe like no other.  

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Great post Liam. You should do something similar for every game - always such a good read.


Won't attempt the humour but I will give my marks:


Cech 6


Dave 7


JT 8


Cahill 8


Ivan 6


Lamps 7


Luiz 8


Oscar 8


Hazard 9 (MOTM)


Willian 7


Eto'o 5 (Scored the winner but loses points for just about everything else - especially for the half-time shirt swap - WTF?!!)




Cole 5

Mikel 5

Torres 6

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