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Who are the Premiership's top 10 stars?

Mike O

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From the point of view of an entire industry, as viewed by the media, who are the top ten personalities in the Premiership? Who are the key people who create the buzz and excitement, who sell copy and seats? My nominations are:

10. Robbie Savage: Class clown, vicious thug, thick twat. Robbie gets in for his comic value. Most likely to be in a 'he ate my hamster' type of headline.

9. Thierry Henry: Low profile this season but still regarded as the most graceful striker to have come to our shores. A key ingredient in the EPL's 'class'

8. John Terry: England captain and defensive rock. He is naturally low-key but follows an EPL gene in the guise of Butcher and Adams

7. Arsene Wenger: The Professor who's also prone to barking mad outpourings. Most likely to morph into a schizo dictator type, he is worthy of regular psycho analysis and reverence in equal measure.

6. Steven Gerard : Everybody's darling and talismanic force on the field. SG is loved as much for his apologetic scouseness as anything else.

5. Roman Abramovich: Dodgy oligarch who has polluted our fair game with his filthy lucre. Boo...he's ruined it for all of us! A million column inches waiting to be written if only they had the guts....and the proof.

4. Wayne Rooney Ugly wonderkid with no brain, fiery temper and a penchant for shagging grannies. Core to the personality of the EPL

3. Cristiano Ronaldo The EPL's villain, the man we all love to hate. Has disappointed some by calming down a little of late but just you wait until the FA Cup final and the EPL final. Will be luck to be alive in July.

2. Sir Alex Ferguson The most successful manager in the history of the EPL, grumpy git, terrifying tea-cup thrower and - to some- a genius. Will never be replaced (except by maybe O'Neill)

1. Jose Mourinho Mad, arrogant, messianic, superhuman, sexy, witty, foreign egomaniac who commands a full page with every shrug of his shoulders. Once he goes this summer, watch all his detractors in the press talk about how the EPL will never be the same without him

Anyway, those be my votes.

Any additions / thoughts?

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Here's a couple more, Mike;

Jens Lehmann - Everyones favourite w**ker. The press love it when he tries to put the world to rights in a crazy German fashion, or when he is making yet another 'balls up'' on the pitch. (He was also supposed to be the culprit for chucking The Pizza... ).

David James - The once cult clown figure. Was admittedly more popular on the back pages when he was the National Donkey, now all he seems to do is make blinding last minute saves. Shame really. I preferred it before. As crazy as a box of frogs.

William Gallas - For obvious reasons. Whinging. French. And a Git.

Ashley Cole - See above, except not French. Has got quite a tastey Geordie on his arm. (No, not Alan Shearer).

Gary Neville - He is now the 'United Captain', and loves the sound of his own ratty little voice. Always has nothing interesting to say.

Sol Campbell - Was once a Judas. Vastly overpaid at Arsenal, and then went mental. Returned from AWOL, and is now lower profile at Pompey.

Arjen Robben - He and his father are very well known outspoken twerps. Habitual diver, to boot.

Reo Coker - Had one good season to reach a Cup Final, and then got too big for his boots. Fans turned on him. A move away could still be on the cards.

Jermaine Pennant - Number One when it comes to 'Flattering to Deceive'. A few step overs, and hardly an end product. Another one of footballs 'Bad Boys'. Did'nt cut the mustard with Arsenal and somehow blagged his way to Liverpool.

Craig Bellamy - A c**t of the highest order.

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Brilliant, Mike, and as I can?t match it, I?ll just add to it?

10. Robbie Savage: So bad they named him properly.

9. Thierry Henry: So low profile now he has to do a Sky interview on the last day of the CL quarter-final matches.

8. John Terry: So good, just think what the Media would make of him if he played for another club.

7. Arsene Wenger: So happy to wait for his team to improve. Guilty of apathy, but insane.

6. Steven Gerrard: So sad to leave he stayed. When he does eventually go the newspapers will be edged in black and the streets of Liverpool full of people carrying lighted candles.

5. Roman Abramovich: So rich it hurts, but not us, just everybody else.

4. Wayne Rooney: So box office, butt ugly and bull-doggery-tastic the Media can?t believe their luck.

3. Christiano Ronaldo: So lucky to be alive after the World Cup it?s no wonder he?s been on the run ever since. Predictable Soaring Summer Sun headline - ?Moving target, targets move?

2. Sir Alex Ferguson: So incoherent you HAVE to hang on his every word. When he retires it will be through an interpreter and he will be sorely *issed at the time

1. Jose Mourinho: So special, 'nuff said.

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?Moving target targets move?.

That, my old friend, is classic Dorset genius (I've edited out the rogue comma, though - shame on you!). Should he be done over by a bunch of lads on the docks in, say, Liverpool, cold the line be 'Porto twat twatted in Port'.


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When he does eventually go the newspapers will be edged in black and the streets of Liverpool full of people carrying lighted candles and applying them to red number 8 shirts with the name "Stevie Me" on the back


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Roy Keane

Temporarily out of the Premiership but I feel he'll be back with a bang next year. While being painted as a mad Paddy thug the entire British media (and most of the population) missed the fact that he is a smart guy.

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6. Steven Gerrard: So sad to leave he stayed. When he does eventually go the newspapers will be edged in black and the streets of Liverpool full of people carrying lighted candles.

Scented candles I hope to remove the smell of bullsh*t ;)

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'Arry Redknapp - smoov talker wiv a great sarf london accent. Famous son and nephew. Unable to make up his mind whether he preferred Southampton to Portsmouth and back again, thus ensuring that the fans that already hated each other now how more reasons to hate each other.

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Robbie Keane ....High profile overated Irishman who stood beside a hit parade of Legends at Milan and wouldnt admit he was totally out of his depth , cruised the Clubs of Dublin asking ''Do you know who I am ?Spends 90 miniutes in opposition half waving hands in the air , has had more clubs than Tiger Woods and will eventually end up at Sunderland .

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