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Weekend chat with a prat and a little bit of bully


Dorset

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Okay, I know, Sunday mornings spent listening to Garry Richardson on 5 Live are a complete waste of an hour of any Chelsea fan?s lifetime, but the show has become something of a ritual for me over the years. Garry is a cult (I think that?s the right spelling) hero of mine, as he morphs relentlessly into Alan Partridge every week in the presence of compliant guest hacks and an endless supply of incredulous sports personalities at the end of a telephone line.

Those who venture into his studio either do so at their peril or have reached buddy status that entitles them to constant recall. The 180 stone dart throwing Andy Fordham fits into the first category (if nothing else) while Patrick Collins is classic Gary call back material and both appeared for our delectation at the weekend. My what entertainment they provided!

First up we had a Manchester United eulogy from Garry to surpass all Man eulogies?ever. This included a marvellous cameo appearance by none other than Dennis Law who laid it on thicker than Andy does butter on almost anything you can name. Apparently, the 7-1 defeat of Roma surpassed all previous performances by the Red Devils and Ronaldo is - well, so much, it?s probably easier to say what he isn?t - although Dennis did step back from the brink of heresy and favourable comparison to George Best. In the end he settled for them being similar and, guess what, Patrick thought so too!

According to the Law, the Premiership is already won and it will only be a matter of time before the Champions League and FA Cup trophies make up the threesome and Fergie is crowned the Greatest Manager?ever. Indeed, contra view, argument, debate, two sides to the story, mention of Chelsea, was there none - because, guess what, Patrick thought so too!

A break in the football banter saw Garry interview Andy with trademark thoughtful insight lacing every question. A typical example occurred during Fordham?s vivid description of a recent and massive heart attack. Garry, in suitably hushed tones, asked ?Did you have to change your eating habits at all?? Dead air followed because, for some reason, Andy didn?t answer straight away and, guess what, I bet Patrick would have found it difficult to answer too!

The show also has a spot which I fondly refer to as the ?Garry?s Gunning for You? moment. Some poor sod is hounded, either directly over the telephone or, should they wisely decide not to take a call, vicariously through a friend or colleague (sadly, never a solicitor). This week it was the Official Starter of the Grand National (I kid you not) who, allegedly, had made a mess of it and, according to Garry, therefore deserved immediate dismissal. And guess what, Patrick thought so too!

Just time for a quick call to the West Indies to wake up David Graveney, the Chairmen of selectors, and see if Michael Vaughan is going to get the push before covering the remaining FA Cup semi-final by fawning over somebody from Blackburn who thought they were in with a chance due to the fact that Chelsea (at last a mention) ?don?t tear you to shreds like ManU can do?. The caller turned out to be Dave Bowen, the assistant manager at Blackburn, although with Garry in charge it could just as easily have been Jim Bowen from Bullseye. Starting to lose interest and the will to live, I began gently dozing and the surreal merged with reality as I dreamt of another sparkling programme at the end of May?

??Hallo, my name?s Garry Richardson and on the show today I?ve got three prize assets from the Premiership?s best known, best loved, George Best-est team. IN ONE - Ryan Giggs. IN TWO - Gary Neville. IN THREE - Paul Scholes and on the line I?ve got Jim Bowen from Manchester whose going to tell us why these guys have got bugger all to show for their efforts this season. That can?t be right can it, Jim?? (rustling sound as Jim gathers his script) ?I?m afraid so, Garry lad, because, as Wayne Rooney knows only too well, you get nothing for three oldies in a bed in this game. Now then, let?s see what they could have won??

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Didn't here the show but it should be available on this link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/fivelive/listen/

Click on Audio on demand and then Sportsweek

If you want to read Patrick Collins's obsessively anti-CFC drivel you can find it all here:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/a ... hor_id=355

This week's column is the usual stuff, with quotes from the Official CFC forum saying RA should go. He also feels that spending money makes success inevitable. He should tell Leeds, Newcastle, Spuds, Real Madrid and Inter Milan

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