Liam
Members AF
- Messages
- 3,472
- Reaction score
- 2,090
A mixed bag of a season for sure but an end result that we would all have taken had it been offered.
Some ratings below and as usual I’ve left a few for you to do.
This week’s bonus is an assessment of the Occupation of Optimal Predicted Suitability (OOOPS) or what the players might have worked at had they not been overpaid, pampered footballers. It is possible this has been done before, perhaps even by me, maybe on this site, conceivably recently. I genuinely can’t remember. I would have written that last sentence in white text back in the glory days.
Kepa – 3 – All three points have been awarded for his reasonably ok distribution and for the four saves he made over the course of the season. Not that we should have expected more from a 5’4”, jelly-wristed, scaredy cat of an imposter whom most right-minded fans have never forgiven for his display of entitled petulance under Sarri. We now hold the top three places in the worst decisions in the history of football list along with Salah and De Bruyne.
OOOPS – Calligrapher – An occupation where the ability to stay on your line is crucial.
Zouma – 6.5 – The best of an extremely bad lot of central defenders. At least Kurt makes us all feel good, as we know that no matter how bad we were as footballers, we never made a 5-yard pass look so difficult.
OOOPS – Barney – Kurt’s lumbering gait and genial manner would make an ideal children’s entertainer. The added bonus for us being that we wouldn’t have to look at his droolly, furrowed brow countenance. The added bonus for Kurt is when he overheats he can utter the hilarious line “I’m sweating like a pedophile in a Barney outfit”
Azpilicueta – 7.5 – Solid enough display of pursed lips defending from our captain. You would imagine he’s a good man to have in the dressing room too. Since the resumption he has looked better going forward than at any other time in his career. A good servant to the football club.
OOOPS – Logistics Manager – Solid, frill free spreadsheet maintenance from a lad who never misses a day.
Alonso – 7 – Before the biggest game of my sterling career my coach walked out a 40 square metre rectangle on the left side of the pitch with the instruction that I don’t stray out of that area, but that everything that happened in there was my responsibility. I think Alonso had the same coach.
OOOPS – Trapeze Artist – The one that catches, obviously.
Christiansen/Rudiger/Tomori – 6 – Poorly coached perhaps, or just poor, or maybe poor seasons.
OOOPS – Clerical Officers in the Civil Service – Doesn’t really matter which one of you comes in, or indeed what you do when you’re in, as long as one of you is here so we don’t have an empty seat.
Kovacic – 8 – Balanced, controlled, intelligent modern footballer who wouldn’t have made Danny Blanchflower’s bench.
OOOPS – Health & Safety Compliance Officer for the Diversity, Inclusion and Gender Equality Department
Barkley – 6 – Never really kicked on from the 2 or 3 decent games he played for Everton. Has shown no appetite for the fight and has generally hidden throughout his Chelsea career. Happy enough though to pick up his sizeable weekly cheque.
OOOPS – Schoolteacher – I’ll access healthcare services if needed, I’ll go shopping, use public transport, call the police, go to restaurants, all thanks to the underpaid staff, but I really don’t think it’s safe to have the kids back in school. I’ll just pick up my cheque then.
Pulisic – 8 – One of the rare breed of footballers that actually look like they enjoy playing the game. Pacy, direct and effective it looks like we have a real gem on our hands. Seems like a gentle soul. Plus I’ve just seen he has a hot Mom.
OOOPS – Male Nurse – I’d happily allow him to administer an enema, should one ever be needed.
Hudson Odoi – 7 – Loz would prefer if had a tousled appearance and ran around a lot looking frantic. More discerning judges can see the talent, composure and immense potential.
OOOPS – Maitre D’ in a Michelin Starred Restaurant in the Jardins de Luxembourg in Paris. Where his insouciance and air of ennui would be a distinct advantage.
Willian – 7 – Frustrating, infuriating miserable bastard he may be, effective he undeniably is.
OOOPS – Bus Driver – Sit on your lazy arse checking the mirror to inflict maximum pain on unsuspecting passengers. Look bored and grunt the odd time.
Mount – 8.5 – Brilliant debut season and has shown great intelligence, a desire to improve and an appreciation of his own abilities. Wouldn’t have made Danny Blanchflower’s second eleven.
OOOPS – Engineer – Everytime you look up the Wikipedia of a successful person they invariably studied engineering.
Giroud – 8 – You don’t have a world cup winner’s medal without knowing your onions. Proper centre forward.
OOOPS – Stunt Cock – Waiting in the wings for when the main man fecks up the money shot. The fact he is bearded would be a distinct advantage in the German market.
Abraham – 7.5 – Really looked the part early doors and it is not clear as to why he fell out of favour. Definitely worth persevering with. Did show a slightly worrying tendency to the wavy arm.
OOOPS – Aircraft Marshal – Following in the footsteps of Jimmy Hasselbaink’s dad, as revealed exclusively on this site, before the triangle was invented. Jimmy is the man whose goals got Atletico Madrid relegated.
Lampard – 8 – Must resist the temptation to employ crybaby club legend JT to sort out our inability to defend. Urbane, articulate living legend who has made this car crash of a year nearly bearable.
OOOPS – Golf Club Manager – Every golf club manager any of us known has been a top, top, all round great person and unfailingly attractive to boot.
Some ratings below and as usual I’ve left a few for you to do.
This week’s bonus is an assessment of the Occupation of Optimal Predicted Suitability (OOOPS) or what the players might have worked at had they not been overpaid, pampered footballers. It is possible this has been done before, perhaps even by me, maybe on this site, conceivably recently. I genuinely can’t remember. I would have written that last sentence in white text back in the glory days.
Kepa – 3 – All three points have been awarded for his reasonably ok distribution and for the four saves he made over the course of the season. Not that we should have expected more from a 5’4”, jelly-wristed, scaredy cat of an imposter whom most right-minded fans have never forgiven for his display of entitled petulance under Sarri. We now hold the top three places in the worst decisions in the history of football list along with Salah and De Bruyne.
OOOPS – Calligrapher – An occupation where the ability to stay on your line is crucial.
Zouma – 6.5 – The best of an extremely bad lot of central defenders. At least Kurt makes us all feel good, as we know that no matter how bad we were as footballers, we never made a 5-yard pass look so difficult.
OOOPS – Barney – Kurt’s lumbering gait and genial manner would make an ideal children’s entertainer. The added bonus for us being that we wouldn’t have to look at his droolly, furrowed brow countenance. The added bonus for Kurt is when he overheats he can utter the hilarious line “I’m sweating like a pedophile in a Barney outfit”
Azpilicueta – 7.5 – Solid enough display of pursed lips defending from our captain. You would imagine he’s a good man to have in the dressing room too. Since the resumption he has looked better going forward than at any other time in his career. A good servant to the football club.
OOOPS – Logistics Manager – Solid, frill free spreadsheet maintenance from a lad who never misses a day.
Alonso – 7 – Before the biggest game of my sterling career my coach walked out a 40 square metre rectangle on the left side of the pitch with the instruction that I don’t stray out of that area, but that everything that happened in there was my responsibility. I think Alonso had the same coach.
OOOPS – Trapeze Artist – The one that catches, obviously.
Christiansen/Rudiger/Tomori – 6 – Poorly coached perhaps, or just poor, or maybe poor seasons.
OOOPS – Clerical Officers in the Civil Service – Doesn’t really matter which one of you comes in, or indeed what you do when you’re in, as long as one of you is here so we don’t have an empty seat.
Kovacic – 8 – Balanced, controlled, intelligent modern footballer who wouldn’t have made Danny Blanchflower’s bench.
OOOPS – Health & Safety Compliance Officer for the Diversity, Inclusion and Gender Equality Department
Barkley – 6 – Never really kicked on from the 2 or 3 decent games he played for Everton. Has shown no appetite for the fight and has generally hidden throughout his Chelsea career. Happy enough though to pick up his sizeable weekly cheque.
OOOPS – Schoolteacher – I’ll access healthcare services if needed, I’ll go shopping, use public transport, call the police, go to restaurants, all thanks to the underpaid staff, but I really don’t think it’s safe to have the kids back in school. I’ll just pick up my cheque then.
Pulisic – 8 – One of the rare breed of footballers that actually look like they enjoy playing the game. Pacy, direct and effective it looks like we have a real gem on our hands. Seems like a gentle soul. Plus I’ve just seen he has a hot Mom.
OOOPS – Male Nurse – I’d happily allow him to administer an enema, should one ever be needed.
Hudson Odoi – 7 – Loz would prefer if had a tousled appearance and ran around a lot looking frantic. More discerning judges can see the talent, composure and immense potential.
OOOPS – Maitre D’ in a Michelin Starred Restaurant in the Jardins de Luxembourg in Paris. Where his insouciance and air of ennui would be a distinct advantage.
Willian – 7 – Frustrating, infuriating miserable bastard he may be, effective he undeniably is.
OOOPS – Bus Driver – Sit on your lazy arse checking the mirror to inflict maximum pain on unsuspecting passengers. Look bored and grunt the odd time.
Mount – 8.5 – Brilliant debut season and has shown great intelligence, a desire to improve and an appreciation of his own abilities. Wouldn’t have made Danny Blanchflower’s second eleven.
OOOPS – Engineer – Everytime you look up the Wikipedia of a successful person they invariably studied engineering.
Giroud – 8 – You don’t have a world cup winner’s medal without knowing your onions. Proper centre forward.
OOOPS – Stunt Cock – Waiting in the wings for when the main man fecks up the money shot. The fact he is bearded would be a distinct advantage in the German market.
Abraham – 7.5 – Really looked the part early doors and it is not clear as to why he fell out of favour. Definitely worth persevering with. Did show a slightly worrying tendency to the wavy arm.
OOOPS – Aircraft Marshal – Following in the footsteps of Jimmy Hasselbaink’s dad, as revealed exclusively on this site, before the triangle was invented. Jimmy is the man whose goals got Atletico Madrid relegated.
Lampard – 8 – Must resist the temptation to employ crybaby club legend JT to sort out our inability to defend. Urbane, articulate living legend who has made this car crash of a year nearly bearable.
OOOPS – Golf Club Manager – Every golf club manager any of us known has been a top, top, all round great person and unfailingly attractive to boot.
