"With the 'news' that Jamie Carragher has had his birthday cake stolen by anti-American Scouse militants; The 'Nieces and Nephews of Nessie', who describe themselves as a splinter group of the 'Sons of Shankly', have claimed responsibility for the kidnap of the cake - and are demanding the exit of Tom Hicks and George Gillett to ensure its safe return.The homes of several Liverpool players have been broken into while the club contests away games, although strangely thieves are yet to find a Premier League winners' medal among the booty." -Eurosport