JUST...Who Are Chelsea's Greatest Ever Goal Scorers?

[just]

Dear Mr Dorset,

The said representative, of whom you refer is one, Mr Neil Barnett, A garrulous, presenter on Chelsea TV prone to bouts of hyperbole.

I would draw your attention to the fact that Mr Barnett has also, on public occaision, used the term "Legend" in relation to people such as Franck Le Beouf, Tommy Langley, Gavin Peacock and Eddie Newton amongst others. Indeed, it seems merely being an ex-Chelsea player is qualification enough to obtain legendary status in Mr Barnett's opinion.

We have written to Chelsea TV to protest in the strongest possible terms at the misuse of the title "Legend" and hope that Mr Barnett will duly reprimanded.

Furthermore, your inclusion of the term "reasonable legend" is misguided insofar as our request was for the word "reasonable" to be substituted for the word "great" in clause 1.1 - sub-section 1, so as the clause should read thus:

Okay, to the matter at hand. Because points seem to be being missed, no matter how many times I spell them out. So, for the record, I will spell them out, yet again.Q: was Jimmy a reasonable all round football player?

A: like many top goal-scorers, Jimmy was selfish. But, he was also lazy and didn't have the dribbling skills of Robben, nor the long range passing of Lamps, or the tackling ability of JT. So, it's fair to say Jimmy was not a reasonable 'all round' footballer.

Yours faithfully,

Sir Renwick Arse-Largely QC

 

[loz]

Sir Renwick Arse-Largely QC,

Your conciliation is duly noted and I can confirm that an enforcement notice has been issued to ensure that such fraudulent misrepresentation will not occur in the case of Messr Andy Townsend.

Donald FInlay QC

 

[Brian M]

Just, Dorset, Loz...woke up to this and nearly had tears in my eyes. What a quality thread! Laughed my ar*e off! Hurrah to the lot of ya!

PS: Dorset, I, and the entire Chelsea football club, thank you for standing in at today's proceedings in the absence of the club's learned council. As always, it is an honour to have a QC of your very great standing available at such short notice. And, on a personal note, Mr. Abramovich has asked me to pass on the following (verbatim translation from the Russian I am understood to believe): "Mr. Dorset, a more loyal and faithful servant of the Chelsea Football club we could not ask for. And furthermore, you will always be welcome at the home of football: Stamford Bridge."

PPS: the club's usual QC is believed to be on his way, and will address the court upon his return.

 

[just]

Dear Mr Brian M,

In anticipation of this evidence being presented to the court, we have obtained written testimony from several Chelsea TV employees, (who work as colleagues alongside Mr Barnett), that he even addresses the CTV tea-lady, Mrs Lucy Armwavy, as "Lucy the Ledge".

Further, we have in our posession a sworn avadavit from Mr Roman Abramovich himself which gives some insight as to his opinion of your client. It reads:

"I watch much longtime before I buy club. I want best. Jimmy not good. He spend most game sit next me in comfy chair. I not wait get rid of him when I come. He given choice. He go Kerovskia* or my people make disappear."

Yours faithfully

Sir Renwick Arse-Largely QC

* Middlesborough

 

[Brian M]

Dear Mr. Renwick

via Blackberry

Please be advised that the Chelsea Football Club and its share holders, Mr. Roman Abramovich and Mr. Buck, do hereby legally order you to cease and desist in your fraudulent claims that you have in your possession any signed correspondence from any employee of the Chelsea Football Club, either past or present.

Furthermore, it has come to our attention that you are in fact, in the employ of the Daily Mirror newspaper. Therefore we are preparing a writ of defamation against your employer for libel. And, at the behest of Chelsea Legend, Mr. Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, we will also be pursuing damages against you personally, through a civil action.

Yours faithfully

Reginald Baldwin, QC

Baldwin, Heresy, Nightstick & Retribution

Attorneys at Law