Frank Lampard, the FA and the infamous Enger-lund set-up

[Dorset]

Scene - The FA Headquarters, Soho Square and a hastily arranged meeting in the Conference Room between Brian Barwick and Frank Lampard. The Chief Executive, looking suitably grimfaced, begins..

?So, Frank, what have you got to say for yourself??

Frank tries to speak, but Barwick interrupts?

?Another anonymous performance in Andorra, marked only by a fleeting glimpse of you taking dogs abuse in the stand from fans who had paid good money and were entitled. And don?t come the innocent by saying you were sitting with Scott Parker, Scott Carson and Luke Young so why single me out, because everybody knows they?re totally irrelevant when it comes to playing for England, whereas you?ve got loads of previous.?

Frank tries to respond, but Barwick rants on?

?England fans aren?t stupid and they appreciate the difference between someone like Stevie G, who never goes missing in important games against the big teams, and those who want to be on the next flight home at the first break of a bone. Why not take a leaf out of Wayne?s book and show us a bit of the bulldog spirit. I lost count of the **** offs he gave that defender - now that?s what I call giving as good as you get! To hell with your namby-pamby, arty-farty Opta Stats and sticking the ball in the net, just mouth off at every opportunity and really give us some patriotism for a change.?

Frank, desperate to be heard, waves a plastic coated arm in protest, but all to no avail as the Chief Exec warms to his admonishment?

?To be frank, Frank, the FA think it?s about time you to stepped out of the spotlight for a while and spent some time with your family at the Bridge. Recuperate at the lower club level, start scoring more than twenty goals a season from midfield, and maybe then we shall take another look to see if you are fit to wear the England shirt once again.?

The England midfielder drops to the floor in supplication?

?No tears, Frank, not even of joy. Okay, so you?re over the moon, but stop kissing my hush puppies and wipe that smile off your face. There?s plenty of talent in the Premiership you know, like Joey Barton, who?d jump at the chance to play the game the way we at the FA want it played - with passion and pride - so don?t be surprised if you spend a long time in the International Wilderness.?

This final remark sends Frank staggering to the exit door doubled up with laughter. He turns to see Barwick immersed in paperwork once more, but he averts his eyes as the ex-international is about to leave and diffidently enquires?

?Want any tickets for the Estonia game? How many?two??