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was just emailed this so I thought I'd share it with you....

Premiership strugglers West Ham United have unveiled their latest new signing. Normal people have been much amused by the East End chavsters' increasingly desperate forays into the transfer market, but even they have been surprised by the latest acquisition.

This morning it has been announced as Jade Goody, who has been captured for an estimated fee of ?7.5 million from Endemol. Goody, who will be paid ?75,000 a week, is expected to pair up with Danny Gabbidon in the centre of defence, as a replacement for the soon to be incarcerated Anton Ferdinand.

"It's well mint," said Jade, as she was presented to the Upton Park faithful. "I really like ham and the fans here have the same dress sense as like what I have."

It's a much needed pick-me-up up for West Ham who have struggled to attract players in the transfer window. Ashley Young's comment that he would be 'proud to wear the claret and blue' was misinterpreted - he wanted to play for Aston Villa, and Alexey Smertin chose to return to the salt mines instead of being involved in a relegation fight at a hovel.

West Ham had to fight hard for Goody's signature as she had been offered the job of assistant to Ron Atkinson at Kettering.

"Yeah, it was a difficult decision," she explained, "obviously there was more prestige with the Kettering job, but West Ham offered better money and they agree with what Big Ron said about darkies here."

Chairman Eggert Magnusson, still mourning the loss of his son Magnus, was unavailable for comment, but Trevor Brooking, who speaks for the club when not begging for work off TV stations as an inane pundit or blagging employment at the FA, in an unspecified but strangely well-regarded role, was ebullient.

"It's a great signing," said Brooking. "We first realised Jade's popularity when we noticed that many of our supporters were wearing her own brand of perfume - and that was just the men.

"She's loud mouthed, obnoxious, uneducated and gets far too much publicity for achieving absolutely nothing. She's a perfect fit for us. Our fans will love her, they don't know what 'a sparagus' is either - maybe they should start serving it at McDonalds."

Manager Alan Curbishley was unable to comment as he was about to vomit.

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