Kevin Keegan was given his first task as newcastle boss today when he was brought 2 loaves of bread and 5 fishes.

A bucket of water was also produced as the caterers forgot to order the red wine.

The 52,000 lucky geordies that were crammed into St James park to see the return of "Special K" and the 2,678,972 that were watching on big screens around the city were still said to be starving and very thirsty when interveiwed at 3pm this afternoon, as many had been waiting since wednesday to see the messiahs return.

"I havn't eat or drunk a thing since wedsday neet, but well hang on til wor kev gits it reet"

Keegan himself has said he wants to bring back the glory days to St James's " I have been in touch with Sir Les Ferdinand, Alan Sherer, and i think i get them fit to play.

Other players Keegan wants to tempt back are David Ginola who is cuttently running a hairdressing salon in the south of france, and could take a bit persuading to be prised away from his scissors and comb.

Players who are definetly ruled out of a return are Peter Beardsley and Tino Asprilla.

Keegan said" i saw Peter the other night and time has not been kind to him> He is

currently having to wear a paper bag over his head during the day and he is on a 6 o'clock curfew as he is frightening many kids around the town. I've been in touch with Vicky Beckham, and we hoping to sort him out with a decent plastic surgeon in L.A. but at moment it does not look good.

As for Tino he's currently awaiting sentancing for using horses as tartget practice on his ranch in columia. He also has a very lucrative film career, in fact his latest film "tino rides again" is a best seller.

I might not have seen a game for at least 3 years, and i know the games a lot different now, but i will not walk away from this challenge, no way, not a chance, not even if we go down which we probably will, but i will love it, i will love it, if i get the sack as i'll still cop for my full salry regardless.

Right then lets get started. 5 fish divided by 2,720,972...i'll need a scalpel and a microscope.......

According to Kevin Keegan:

going to the match is the same thing as going to the theatre is for people down south.

And that, to my way of thinking, makes Keegan nothing more or less than just another thick Northern bar steward.

David Ginola who is cuttently running a hairdressing salon in the south of france, and could take a bit persuading to be prised away from his scissors and comb.

At last, we've discovered who Scissors Anthony actually was!!!

PS: in case Scissors Anthony is reading this...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pict ... hthezohan/