‘Once the cards are dealt, players sort their hands in sets of three, in "poker" fashion with the strongest set played first and the weakest last. Play commences with the first player putting down the strongest set, with the process repeated for the second and third sets.’

 

For those of you unacquainted with playing cards in general, or a ‘misspent youth’ in particular, I have given above the briefest of descriptions of the initial stages to the game known as Nine Card Brag. It sprang to mind the other day on recalling the deck of cards-like quantity of players Antonio Conte will have at his disposal, both to shuffle and deal with on arrival at the Bridge in the summer. Inevitably, concocting a strange mix of Magnus Magnusson and Midler, he will have started already, from a distance, but even though legend has it his voice carries further than even Bette‘s, I doubt he can mastermind his 52-player plus deck into some semblance of cerebral order from afar, let alone a title-winning pack anytime soon. And to make matters worse, if knowledge of Roman history is anything to go by, time is something he will be given very little of, with impatient football fans quickly following suit, their title demands needing instant gratification in every casino in town - except, of course, if you are a regular brainwashed frequenter of ‘The Arsene Wenger 4th Place Payout Emporium‘.  

 

Yet suppose Conte was restricted to having Nine Card Brag rules as a template, rather than be handed the freest of reins (always assuming Roman and his much-maligned board have been so generous on this occasion) would it really mean the Italian had been dealt such a duff hand from the start? To be honest, the Card School of Life has dealt a lot of other football clubs far lesser-valued hands and fewer court cards than Chelsea have fanned out over the years, so it might be a discipline he may do well to adopt regardless of restraint. And if he did, three separate hands of as many as eleven players of varying strengths could prove to be the making of a manager’s reputation for radicalism, creating a more flexible and stronger overall unit in the process. I’ve had a go myself and been forced to leave a number of big names out along the way, together with many youngsters who probably deserve better treatment, but the end result proved something of an eye-opener in terms of understanding the enormity of task, the ruthlessness required and the likelihood of success bearing in mind the squads he has to work with. 

 

Here below are my ‘Chosen Ones’ set out in their three groups of eleven and all designed to beat similarly-bragged sides from any Premier League outfit you care to put up as opposition:-

 

Courtois, Azpi, Branna, Zouma, Baba, Hazard, Cesc, Willian, Traore, Kennedy, Costa.

 

(JT, Cahill, Matic, Mikel, Oscar, Pedro, Remy)

 

Begovic, Baba, Christensen, Miazga, Aina, RLC, Ake, Musonda, Baker, Swift, Solanke.

 

(Kane, Cuadrado, van Ginkel, Hector, Houghton, Bamford)

 

Blackman, Clarke-Salter, Tomori, Sterling, Da Silva, Colkett, Scott, Ali, Palmer, Brown, Abraham. 

 

(Dabo, Conroy, Sammut, Quintero, Mitchell, Kiwomya)

 

Let me say at this point, before anybody points out an obvious bending of my own rules, the bracketed players under each team represent the remaining cards left in the pack of fifty-two, available after each game for inclusion in the next on any card table, but more realistically destined to be discarded or hidden out of sight and mind of a modern day football manager like Conte. Indeed, it was interesting to find, in the case of my first and second teams, those left in the brackets tended to be current court cards of controversy, whether by coincidence or design, a clear indication that they have reached some sort of career crossroads in my mind, if not in their own. Also, the selections and their respective inclusions are made from across a broad spectrum of first team, loan and Under-21 groups, ignoring restrictions, such as age limit and [potentially] continued loans, typical examples of which would be Begovic, Caudrado and Christensen. In addition, no account has been made for the inevitable transfer in or out of players, as I have assumed we have all placed our faith in the new manager in this respect and believe any market activity will only serve to improve the overall talent pool. 

 

So, at long last, I have got to the point of this piece - a contention made by means of bringing my Chelsea bragging brigade into play against any other club you care put up against them - I reckon on winning at least two out of any three matches every time, thereby confirming that the compilation of talent at the club is second to none. Little good it’s just done us, I hear many of you say, but, if my 3-team brag cannot be challenged, it does at least pinpoint the main deficiency within our current structure - the emphasis placed on Hands Two and Three is now so great we have lost sight of the major prize and are too vulnerable when we lay our first team cards down in the Premier League every week.

 

It has now been more than a decade since the seal was memorably broken on a new Chelsea deck and Roman Abramovich became our wealthy bank[roller] of last resort, with Peter Kenyon, Ron Gourlay and Marina Granovskaia all wheeler-dealing on his behalf thereafter and Michael Emanalo providing the front-of-house presence throughout. But, had the whole business been based on as much of a gamble as my analogy implies, the club would never have achieved the success it has in such a short period of time. Fast-forwarding to the present, I would also maintain that to act all pokerfaced after one poor season, to call for a change of banker, to demand a mass wheel out of the current dealers, is akin to throwing a perpetually-winning hand in after a petulant strop, brought about because you haven’t been given your favourite seat at the top card table for once in your pampered, Cobham-cosseted existence.

 

Don’t let our old card-school brethren trick you either, with their current crisis-driven yearning for a return to the good old hands, choc-full of worthy deuces, teak-tough fives, ace-in-the-hole tens, all once supporting a king called Ossie or a jack-the-lad called Kerry. Great though it was to experience at the time, the joy of playing a trump card or two back then needs no rose-tinted recollection now, lest we drift aimlessly into nostalgia, start repeating media mantras like the nauseating ’way’ of playing one, and end up wishing we had some mythical ‘identity’ that somehow separates us from the madding crowd striving for something that doesn‘t exist. Let’s face it, hearts, clubs, diamonds? - Chelsea will always be portrayed as spades in any pack, whereas in truth there is no black or white, it’s all just football grey areas explored by tacticians and played by individuals of varying talent. 

 

And finally, to sum it all up, no right way, no wrong way, no one way, no two ways, no three ways about it, due in no small part to those at the helm of CFC over the last twelve years, the Chels cards are now all there in place and ready to be played… Antonio Conte will soon be declaring his hand. Can’t wait.

.     

 

Excellent implementation of poker.

Boga should be in the second set.

You are right, Bb... and I thought he was! I have just realised that Baba has gone in twice instead (a miss-deal on my part) which, if possible, I will try to rectify with an edit.

And Djilobodji needs to be somewhere (Bremen?).