PloKoon13

Shearer-esque glancing header from Delap (apart from missing the goal)

Haha we've gone to a back three with Cucurella at LWB and Garnacho at RWB. This was pre-planned, the note just said 'you're all useless c**ts'

Great ball Enzo

Well done Sánchez - a tasteful nod to Shay Given with that acrobatic save

Our remaining subs are a goalkeeper, three centre-backs, a holding mid and Marc Guiu. Not exactly blessed with choice.

For CAICEDO?? Are you f**king mental? Also why is Lavia ahead of Santos in the pecking order?

Yellow for Gordon please, what a snide little c**t (Cucurella is right) Promising from Delap so far. He's sh*t but they're bouncing off him.

Last time I saw an opening that vast before entering the box was when I hooked up with 'Bucket Beryl' at my local dive

Vintage Cucurella getting in the way of one of our attacks when wandering around randomly outside the penalty box

Great flicked interception from Palmer to set up their counter-attack

And got away with a foul, already leaving his mark on the game.

Keeping my fingers crossed that we attack down the right more so you can marvel at Lewis Hall's buttocks

DULLARD DELAP REDEMPTION

Don't worry, One Half FC will show up in the second half. Pedro and Enzo to score; Garnacho will be key in both but we'll slag him off anyway (mostly because of the eyebrows).

18 months of physical therapy later, I have lived to drink another day. Anyway, no idea why everyone is being so negative, Liam Delap is on the bench.

I had a drink with Fofana once, he drove me home afterwards.

Haha Rosenior has one of those multicolour clicker pens that used to be a rare treat at school ...nerd.

Private equity people don't care about anything apart from w**king themselves off over how godf**king brilliant they are (despite being utterly talentless to a fault)

Didn't know Fofana is Muslim

I'm leaving this for someone else

Not his fault, he's currently going through A Picture of Dorian Grey but in reverse

He won the ball! Ref is a fraud c**t bald

Should have kicked the bird-faced little sh*t harder I always feel that we have a sh*t record against Newcastle, but apparently their last win at the Bridge was when Papiss Cissé defied the laws of physics.

f**k me, one ball and he's through on goal. Dreadful.

Gordon is up front for them, Woltemade deeper (in midfield out of possession).