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If only the CL Final could pan out.....


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like this.........................

A full Stadio Olympico. A beautiful evening in Rome. All the usual UEFA dignitaries and celebrities are in attendance. The eyes of the world are watching. The game begins.......

United totally dominate Barcelona for the first 45. They take the piss and go in at half-time 2-0 up with both goals from Wayne Rooney.

During the half-time interlude, whilst the teams are in the changing rooms, Messers Platini, Blatter and Galliard are spotted entering the Match Official's restricted area.

The second half kicks off and referee Massimo Busacca proceeds to give every single decision Barca's way. The Catalans draw level at 2-2 with a re-taken penalty. Van Der Saar saved the original effort but the Swiss referee awards the re-kick after "spotting a slight encroachment as the ball was kicked". This after Barcelona's first goal came via a speculative shot from Henry which cannoned down off the crossbar and TV replays showed was two yards shy of crossing the line.

Despite being down to ten men (Ferdinand was subsequently sent off for haranging the ref after the award of the re-taken penalty), United hold out gamely until the 94th minute which sees O'shea cleanly dispose Eto'o of the ball three yards outside the United penalty box. Two seconds later Eto'o tumbles, referee Busacca blows and points to the spot, Iniesta sends Van Der Saar the wrong way. Mr Busacca immediatley blows the final whistle. Barca win.

As the winning penalty kick hits the back of the United net Blatter and Platini leap into the air and hug each other. Sir Bobby Charlton loses it and clambers over neighbouring dignitaries to butt Platini in the face. Platini goes down with a broken nose and claret everywhere. Not content with that happy outcome, Sir Bobby picks up the Cup with the big ears and plants it across Blatter's head hospitalising him.

Meanwhile on the pitch Rooney has physically attacked the referee and the two linos and the other United players have scaled the fences and ran into the celebrating Barca fan's section throwing punches. The Barca players and fans respond in kind and the Italian riot police end up fighting everyone, as indeed they always like to. All United fans join in. Roy "Mental" Keane tears off his microphone and leaves the SKY commentary box to climb over the barriers onto the pitch and then runs a full 80 yards to bite a police horse. Meanwhile, outside the ground, Roma and Lazio Ultras have banded together and merrily stab anything that walks.

Sirens wail. Rome burns.

Next day, after the smoke and rubble has been cleared, Platini and Blatter appear on TV, bandaged and bloodied, to declare that "the referee was fine" and that Man U, Lazio and Roma are "the new Enemies of Football" and all are banned from UEFA competitions with immediate effect. However, in a move totally unexpected by the UEFA heirarchy, Barcelona's President does the honourable thing and releases a press statement saying this:

"the whole world realises now how incompetent the match officials were and how corrupt UEFA are. We can not therefore accept the result and will not call ourselves Champions of Europe. Furthermore, as a sign of protest at the continuing incompetence and corruption, we are withdrawing from UEFA forthwith"

With 30 minutes Chelsea FC release a statement saying they are following Barcelona's lead and one by one all Europe's major clubs follow suit and band together to publically announce membership of the newly formed European Football Federation, (EFF).

With the loss of their entire power base, (and revenue stream!), in one fell swoop FIFA quickly realise UEFA are effectively dead in the water and announce their recognition of EFF. Winding up administrators are called into UEFA HQ less than two weeks later.

Eight months later Blatter, (a completely broken man who couldn't cope with his loss of media power), is found dead of an overdose in a dutch crackhouse.

Platini disappears overnight. It's like he never existed. But two years later a Sun newspaper reporter finds him working under an assumed name at a branch of McDonalds in Rouen. He has changed his name to Didier and is busy mopping out the toilets. The Sun reporter discovers that, though he has worked there for the last thirteen months, he is universally disliked by the other staff and only has one gold star on his name badge.

In an attempt to strike a deal with the Sun to keep him out of the paper, (the Sun subsequently renege on this agreement and print anyway), Platini discloses the whereabouts of Chelsea's old friend William Galliard. He is traced to Ostend in Belgium where, unable to find a proper job since the disbanding of UEFA, he has secretly been working as a male prostitute. However, for the last five weeks he has been unable to get a single punter due to severely ruptured haemorroids. When the story is printed Galliard's wife leaves him to run off with a HGV driver from Sidcup called Dennis, with whom she has been having a secret affair for the last seven years.

Galliard's last words to the Sun journo are:

"I ate you Ongleash bistards more zan ever bifore"

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Well, this is awkward!

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