Just imagine, if you will, that somewhere in a far-flung parallel universe last week, an angst-ridden Chelsea team had crumbled against Valencia and went out of the Champions League in a blaze of ignominy. Right there, indeed right now, you and I would be up to our eyes in a wall-to-wall Planet Zog Media debate on the subject and the inevitable consequences, would we not? The Planet newspaper would have trawled through our dying team’s entrails, declared the riddled and ridiculed corpse dead for all [excessive] money, before showing a crestfallen Andre Villas-Boas the door and demanding he walk through it into the black hole marked ‘Out for good - spending more time with family and Steve Bruce‘.

Previously, perhaps within minutes of the event, Zircon TV News would have had the alien equivalent of Alan Smith (or even the human embodiment, as there is probably very little difference) in front of a camera to tell a waiting audience that the Roman quest for the Holy Grail was over, his ambition or greed, or disinterest or interference (please insert whichever alienates you the most) lying in tatters on a field of play destined to see only the archetypal Europa League football from that evening onwards. Then, coming up on the Plutonic Saturnday Supplement, three more strange-looking pundits would pronounce the Chelsea tactics woeful and then dissect them at great length until an equally strange-looking Brian Woolnough look-alike calls a halt to proceedings by publicising a forthcoming hour-long Zircon Special covering Chelsea’s downfall, a spectacular coming soon on the galactic schedule in 4D, HD and, for all we know, Dumdy-Dumdy.

Okay, pure sci-fi surrealism this may be, but, when you compare it to the coming down to earth for the true losers over here last week, getting anything resembling a reality check from the British Media is like trying to get a decent refereeing decision out of Phil Dowd. Put simply, because the Manchester duopoly has come a European cropper, the subject, together with any long term analysis of it, has withered on the vine quicker than you can raise an Ancelotti eyebrow in mock surprise. Therefore, just to let our alien friends know that, contrary to scientific belief, there is intelligent journalistic life out here, I’ve opted for the following step-by-step guide on where these two battered, Bayered and Basled sides actually went wrong …

Let’s start, shall we, by debunking the current Media excuse for United’s exit. Team in transition? From one of the top teams in Europe to one that couldn’t cope with the might of Switzerland‘s finest? No, what the hacks should be giving us is an honest, detailed account of what is really happening behind the scenes at Old Trafford, why the club neglected their midfield issues way back before Darren Fletcher’s unfortunate illness announcement, and some idea of what the **** happens to them next might be nice too. Face it humans, United are not a team in transition, they are a team that has grown far more flabbier than us and one that sends out a 19 year-old central defender and a 38 year-old winger as their central midfield pairing when CL qualification at stake. Fair enough, Cleverly got injured, but if he was ever the world class answer to Ferguson’s midfield inadequacies somebody (who should know better) wasn’t asking the right question.

After United were humiliated by Barcelona in last season's CL final it was obvious, to all who had the courage to inquire instead of acquiesce at press conferences, that huge changes needed to be made. The extent of summer investment at their club was lost in the general exhortation of English Youth recruitment up t’North and now, compared to Chelsea’s buying of Mata, Lukau and Romeu, the acquisition of Smalling, De Gea, Young and Jones begins to appal into something that might soon prove to be more damaging on the top table than insignificance. Add to this the paying of a king’s ransom to Rooney to merely stay on at the club and it’s clear why there were no funds left to even contemplate the quality signing of a Wesley Sneijder, Luca Modric or Cyrzx Yzr, the three-legged Jupitarian star striker.

It may make uncomfortable reading for United fans [therefore the English press don’t write it] but, apart from 2007 and a follow-up kneejerk Berba buy, the previous years outlay amounted to no more than an ever-depleting hill of beans - 2006 (16M Carrick) 2007 (80M Nani, Anderson, Hargreaves, Tevez) 2008 (30M Berbatov) 2009 (10M Valencia) 2010 (10M Hernandez) - little wonder that the prospect of them doing what they like, if only on a Thursday night, fills the Guildford faithful with mixture of fear and loathing. And, of course, the contents of the Ronaldo cash war chest has ebbed away into the Glazers pockets during this period too, the [continually] untold truth being that in the past five years United's net spend on transfers is only 56.9M, less than Aston Villa (68.2M), Sunderland (62.7M) and Stoke City (61.2M). It’s a heartbreaking Manc story the Media dare not tell and it would have been ten times more difficult to keep it under wraps if the noisy neighbours hadn’t gone and got themselves KO’d in the Champions League ring as well.

Laudable as it has been for City fans to frequent this forum and sing our praises after Monday night’s victory, I can’t help but think a lot of the bonhomie is born of inverted frustration at not being able to give exactly the opposite to the red half of Manchester, due to having to join them for frolics on a Thursday night. They may be brothers in alms when it comes to finance and the giving of it like a religious virtue, but the comparison ends there and the difference in our situations was nowhere more highlighted than on the wing [with Danny Sturridge] and on a pray [with Adam Johnson]. Two young England players in the making, yet one has to leave Manchester to make things happen whilst the other stays and shuffles uncomfortably on the bench for longer than is good for him and his long term prospects. Food for thought maybe, and all of it digested without publicity whilst another chunky morsel, going by the name of Micah Richards, ponders his future amongst the fat cats.

So, such is the whimsical fancy of an English Media constantly craving Mancunian success in some form or another, golden opportunities like this [for plausible comparison and interesting, half-decent articles] are spurned in favour of garbage about boring arguments in the tunnel, enforced celebrations, Frank’s impending departure in a fit of pique and any other contrived piece of trash that can be written badly and laid out under a laughable headline. No wonder AVB treats them with disdain and will continue to do so until some semblance of fairness and objectivity replaces the make-believe and playground approach to journalism that pervades these rags. To my mind City have got off lightly over their CL exit coverage and, along with the unpalatable truth that big bad Chelsea were the team to take their unbeaten record away, they can also thank their next door neighbour’s steady, yet unmentionable, decline for the kindness of heart being shown to them in print and on screen.

　

The Second half of the paragraph makes sense

But for the first half - what have you been smoking bro ?

Nice read Dorset, as usual. Very insightful.

I do think that City have gotten off a little more lightly than they should for their CL exit, but I can't help but think part of that is because they are the "new kids on the block" as far as the CL goes where we are not. I also believe that Manu exiting has given them a bit of a break where our London counterpart qualified after the fifth game. For Arsenal to be in the situation they are, and qualify early like they did, would have just been fire for the media to throw it in our faces.

We qualified, so ha-ha to them.

Lastly, I just want to see the scouting report on Cyrzx Yzr.

I can't help but think part of that is because they are the "new kids on the block" as far as the CL goes where we are not.

Yes, it's their first Champions League season, but it wasn't their first season of European football and with the manager and wealth of international talent that they've got, it shouldn't be used an excuse. Chelsea progressed from both group stages of our first Champions League season and that was years before the Roman revolution.

I love the Plutonic Saturnday Supplement!

Dorset you are a star! Will your articles ever be published as a book? I would put it on my Christmas wish list, right after a bottle of Fidji perfume!