PloKoon13

EXCLUSIVE: THE LATEST POEM FROM B. EGHBALI My penis it stopped working With a hundred flights to go Still some ivory steps to climb So the others cannot know I see old men like David Moyes With a baguette in their pants Is irrelevance to be my fate? Or death like Rosencrantz? I'll sign ten tattooed teenagers So they will know I'm great Despite the fact each one is bad I still can't masturbate I must disrupt the market then Be ostentatious still I'll hire morons left and right The rumour will be killed Enzo, Liam, bright young things Who'll know they're shills? As long as no one finds out I Can't f**k without a pill

"Dewsbury-Hall makes it 4-0" may have been more than I could take

"Tosin and Delap are coming on" might be the worst six words in the English language

You want it darker?

This might be Fofana's Senderos moment, he's been pulled around like a ragdoll by Beto tonight.

He had one bad game and the manager, instead of patting him on the back and saying 'never mind mate, these things happen, you've been great this season', dropped him for someone objectively worse and then got us knocked out of the Champions' League. It's a confidence game; my kingdom for a competent man-manager who has never heard of the word 'tactics' rather than these pretentious corporate cretins we keep getting lumbered with. Someone give Eghbali some f**king viagra

The funny thing is that all the analysis will be about 'how did Sánchez let that in?' rather than the structural issue which can be summarised by the question 'what the f**k is the left-back doing?' Rosenior is very, very bad at his job.

Everyone's in the middle of the pitch bar the wingers and yet Lavia has nobody to pass to and Pedro is nowhere to be seen. It's pretentious twaddle for the sort of idiots who think 'disrupt the market' is a modus operandi. It's intellectual bankruptcy.

If that's the plan then why bother bringing on Garnacho? If you want to make use out of Garnacho you create space for him, then have him run into the penalty area and shoot. It's what he does well.

We're doing that thing again where we leave the wingers isolated on the touchline deep in the opponents' half with three defenders between them and the box. Meanwhile the nominal full-backs are moonlighting as attacking midfielders. It's tactical dreck.

My sources tell me that his nickname in the Argentina dressing room is 'tattooed Leonard Cohen'

Garnacho on for Gusto? That must be Caicedo to right-back? Remember last year when we won the couple of games that Lavia was fit with Caicedo at right-back and some of us were convinced it was the second coming of Essien at right-back? Maybe that could be a thing!

A player like Tarkowski having hair like that is ridiculous. He looks like one of those 'sociopathic neoliberal' Christian Bale characters.

Emerson and Lake are both dead

Well done Palmer. We should take off Fofana and Lavia for the two hardest players we have on the bench (not Delap though)

I'm liking the torrent of fury Pickford unleashes on his centre-backs whenever they commit the slightest infringement. We need that right now. Plus 'Chelsea sign England #1' is a headline which will surely please the cretins who run the club.

I think Caicedo is broken. Palmer has been broken for quite a while, which means we have one non-injured good player on the pitch, and he's been peripheral.

That's what I tell my missus after 90 seconds

You know what we did wrong there? We didn't respect the ball properly. If we want to squint really hard for a positive, that was a good recovery. Beto is owning our centre-backs, this partnership is actually making me miss Disasi.

Good man, I went for a long ramble in the sun today and came back with bottles of 10-year-old Talisker and Glen Scotia.

Think we can infer that Rosenior rates Lavia over Santos; based on performances this season the latter has earned his place more than the former. Hope I am proven wrong. Very pleased to see Estêvão back in the squad, otherwise as expected. The only baffling call is shoehorning Hato in at centre-back (again). Why bring back Sarr when a) you're already underplaying Acheampong, b) you're willing to do weird sh*t like put Hato at centre-back to avoid starting him, and c) he's not really that good? Come on Chels, this is winnable. Hopefully the new stadium means the Goodison Park jinx no longer applies.

Everton's home form is poor, and we have been the second-best performing away side in the league. If we can shake off this collective ennui we can win this game. My advice to Rosenior: don't start the sh*t players, do start the [remaining] good players, and play Acheampong instead of Big Trev: Sánchez Gusto Fofana Acheampong Cucurella Santos Caicedo Palmer Fernández Garnacho Pedro

Livramento? There are probably multiple layers of Cobham graduates in that spot before Alexander-Arnold gets a go. What's Tariq Lamptey up to?

Acheampong should be getting all of Trev's minutes while the latter is out injured.

Haha he's called up Jason Steele to his provisional squad. A move so surprising that my initial reaction was 'wait is there another Jason Steele?'