PloKoon13

Anthony Barry is a f**king Scouser? I'm so disillusioned

I must admit that when I saw the England squad, 'goalfest' wasn't the first thing which jumped to mind.

No it's from a vague memory of WWF, watching sweaty, leather-clad and improbably muscled men caked in makeup grapple each other homoerotically. Wait hang on

Madueke is the archetype of the streaky English winger (apart from the fact he's left-footed I guess). Bellingham has developed into the archetype of the modern celebrity w**ker footballer.

Wait I thought you had to basically chokeslam the goalkeeper to score from a corner?

While clearly and succinctly explaining how to work an out ball in a man-marking situation. She's worth a hundred of the worthless non-Giroud or Mata pundits they've churned out

Obligatory

That's three, Gvardiol is clearly a Corluka regen

Haha two ex-Tottenham bottlings in the space of 45 seconds

Credit to Declan Rice for wearing earphones with cables rather than those weird-looking pods that all the children have.

Was too busy feeling wistful after seeing Gaël Kakuta on the DRC bench

I daresay that was a better World Cup opener for the DRC than the last time they (as Zaïre) qualified.

Think it's time for Ronaldo to be shipped off to the glue factory

Well the gauntlet is down. Can't believe I missed EastEnders for this.

Yes, if only he was better with his feet

Mendy was spectacular for [at least] two seasons and won us the Champions' League. He is third in my pantheon of post-Bates keepers (sorry @Valerie )

Bring on Kanté you boring Champions League quarter-final and Dennis Wise-enabling w**ker

Don't know why you're badmouthing the Senegalese Inzaghi like that

What a finish Jacko

At least we can mark the exact moment at which Alan Shearer's level of 'old fart' was upgraded from 'cantankerous' to 'ornery'.

VAR decision: Mendy would have saved it anyway, as you were

Lest we forget that Mendy is a world champion and a multiple continental champion already. Senegal should start that shrimp Kepa instead though. He's better with his feet or something

Haha at least we were spared Koundé at right-back

If N'Golo Kanté were born in Thiès (or Paris) instead of Paris, le Sénégal seraient en route à la Coupe du Monde.