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Applied Football Media Mathematics - Part One


Dorset

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All of the following questions must be answered by using the Rafa Benitez Facilitating and Controlled Tantrum (FACT) Method and then your accompanying argument concluded by stating the angle from which the Media has approached the problem (for instance, obtuse, acutely painful, or it's a complete b****x of a 360 degree slant on this one)

Time allocated for completion is 20 minutes (all figures in euros unless stated, remaining marks (10%) awarded if ‘+9’ is fully explained in Question 1)

Question 1:- Decipher 40 + 9 - 30 (approx) = an immediate alternative transfer bid by Manchester City for Javier Pastore. (40% of total marks)

Question 2:- Decipher 25 x (?) + big integer interference - vulgar fraction by comparison = 100% Real Madrid acquisition + bonuses. (20% of total marks)

Question 3:- Decipher (sterling) 16 + 4 - Indian chicken farmer discount + 16 - prime number midfielder (-Nani + Nasri?) = defenders and wingers cubed - keeper (15% of total marks)

Question 4:- Decipher (sterling) 27 + 3 + more to come + Drogba + Anelka + Essien + kitchen sink = 35 + add-ons + report to FA or a nonagon. (15% of total marks)

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For a man of your learning its the famous "Wengerbollux" solution that is needed:

A= Amount of prematch denials and moans

B=the number of trophy less seasons

c=the square root of average arsenal attendance- Bendtners seasonal average goals scored bonus

d- petty fouls by fabregas,during 90 mins

This should give a very near approximation of the percentile of a chelsea rumour coming true.

,,,,..... ( a-b ) (+c ) -d sqare root of answer, using own integers approx 14%

Edited by Ballack & Blu
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What is a vulgar fraction and how do you discount an Indian chicken farmer :(

a vulgar fraction is the lower part of most of the women in the Pin-Up section.

Do you mean an Indian who farms chickens or a person of any nationality who farms Indian chickens?

Edited by moi
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Exam over, so keyboards down please, because now is the time to introduce moi to the Indian chicken farmers, then locate The Moos aching brain and salve it by solving the problems hidden in questions 1 to 4. But, before putting you both out of your misery, first a word on BB’s shameless attempt to influence the examiners with his reference to Wenger (Venn-ger would have impressed more) B****x which, as all students of the game know, has long been dismissed by number-crunchers worldwide as mere discredited theorem-waving, propounded by a failed mathematician of six years standing, somewhere in the shadows and potless. However, I digress, and paying homage to true sports media tradition [of pandering to the public in a perverse and reverse order] the model answers are given below.

Question 4:- Decipher (sterling) 27 + 3 + more to come + Drogba + Anelka + Essien + kitchen sink = 35 + add-ons + report to FA or a nonagon. (15% of total marks)

Answer - 27 + 3 is an easy FACT starter to the Modric bidding, followed by classic media disdain for ‘No Sh*t Shylock’ measure-for-measure analysis when dealing with Chels transfers. To obtain full 15 marks it was necessary to confirm as FACT that we initially paid over the odds for the sink and would now be pulling the plug on what could have been a full-to-the-brim, promising career. Angle, as usual designed to be acutely painful, but failing dismally due to countless player multiplications breeding our contempt for their lazy journalism..

Question 3:- Decipher (sterling) 16 + 4 - Indian chicken farmer discount + 16 - prime number midfielder (-Nani + Nasri?) = defenders and wingers cubed - keeper (15% of total marks)

Answer - 16 + 4 and it’s that giveaway, oh-so-patriotic Jones boy signing, although made slightly more difficult, especially if you failed to recognise the FACT that the Indian chicken farmers in charge of Blackburn know nothing about anything, except chickens that is. Therefore the +4 addition to the price tag has to be ignored in any formula for success and treated as a total figment of your [and Steve Kean’s] calculation. In addition, +16 is the arrival of Ashley Young, causing a negative response, in so far as he isn’t anything like the prime number United really need in midfield. Hence the bracketing into the equation of Nani [out?] and Nasri [in?] and the eventual calculation that everything at United is overkill [cubed] except, of course, in goal.

Angle, as always in any presentation of ManU/SAF calculus, definitively 90 degree right and proper, therefore 7 marks deducted if you tried to squeeze [a reference to] Ryan Giggs into your workings. Students who did so and are thinking of protesting are reminded that the Eddie Newton Laws of Football Depravity apply here - ’what goes up in estimation must come down, unless you’re a United player or were once mistakenly voted Sportsview Personality of the Year, or you fall [from grace] headlong into both categories’ - and in such circumstances there is no right of appeal, reinstatement of marks, or small apology on an inside page, to even give the remotest consideration to.

Question 2:- Decipher 25 x (?) + big integer interference - vulgar fraction by comparison = 100% Real Madrid acquisition + bonuses. (20% of total marks)

Answer - 25 x (?) more difficult, although I’m sure many of you realised that (?) was in FACT (2) thereby producing a doubled price-hike which confirms as FACT the graphic presence a Neymar transfer spiral that not even the mega-maniacal media could triple. Full marks on this section only if you realised that the big integer was Pele and, of course, the vulgar fraction (Real Madrid over Chelsea) was no more than a constant [hack] common denominator leading to the straightforward conclusion that this is, in effect, pure 100% Real deal without hope of a Chelsea gazump. Mark deducted if you failed to mention that a standard British press angle also applied here, namely the flat [party] line support for a Spanish club over a specific English one that does bad things….bad, bad things.

Question 1:- Decipher 40 + 9 - 30 (approx) = an immediate alternative transfer bid by Manchester City for Javier Pastore. (40% of total marks)

Answer - 40 + 9 - 30 (approx) well, the key to this advanced level question is to work back to front (as most sports journos do) thereby applying the complete b****x slant at the earliest possible stage. This is what ‘The Daily Telegraph’ did in calculating that City would immediately switch interest to Pastore [from Sanchez] once it became clear [as mud] that Barcelona were interested in the Chilean. The 360 degree slant should be applied at this point, thereby providing a completely indecipherable solution to the 40 + 9 -30 (approx) opening formula, which now translates easily into 40 (Barcelona’s statement as FACT being their budget this close season) + 9 (being the amount obtained from the sale of Bojan Krkc to Roma) - 30 (approx) (the current Fabregas bid, which may rise) leaving a conclusion that Barca have a maximum of £19m to fund the Sanchez bid. Ergo, it’s proof positive [that you have secured full marks for the question] when it is realised that Barca have nowhere near the sum required to purchase Sanchez left, as evidenced by the Telegraph’s angle and their complete b****x of a 360 degree slant. Simples!

Edited by Dorset
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Well you rumbled me dorset,i had been hired by a dark force to usurp,and try and quantify with the unknown,my attempt to try and steamroller the answer with a now questionable formula,which i considered was a total theory,now needs re-evaluating,the search for the perfect explanation for the "chelsea transfer thereom" goes on unabated. :(

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