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Chelsea's John Terry runs over disabled child

Eton Blue at the Chelsea Megastore

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Scandal-magnet John Terry cannot stay out of trouble, and in the latest incident, he RAN OVER a disabled child whilst out of his face on ILLEGAL DRUGS, following Chelsea`s elimination from the Champions League on Tuesday night.

After Chelsea were hammered 0-5 by Inter on Tuesday, John Terry roared out of the Stamford Bridge car park in his diamond-encrusted HUMMER, in the process ploughing through some innocent by-standers who just happened to be milling around the exit.

One onlooker CONFIRMED that Terry was driving at a DANGEROUS and RECKLESS speed (estimated to be in excess of 65 kmh), and that he failed to check as he emerged from the parking lot whether there could be people walking across the pavement. There is speculation that actually JT waited in the ramp for enough people to be present before DELIBERATELY slamming the accelerator.

And to everyone`s HORROR, John Terry (who is already in trouble for HAVING AN AFFAIR with former team-mates Wayne Bridge`s WIFE) crashed through passers by, knocking over a CHILD in a WHEELCHAIR. The child`s parents informed us that they had been out with their son for his 6th birthday.

But Chelsea captain John Terry`s shame did not stop there. For passers by were disgusted to see that JT screeched his Hummer to a halt, and then reversed to CRUSH the poor child and his wheelchair once more. An eyewitness told us that, in doing so Terry CUPPED his hand to his EAR, as if to ENJOY the sound of innocent bones being SNAPPED LIKE TWIGS.

Despite the smoked glass windows, everyone could see that JT (who was recently stripped of the England captaincy) was not alone: in the backseat were 2 LADIES OF THE NIGHT. Having MAIMED a child, Terry then stamped down on the accelerator to speed away with his passengers (who cackled manically), possibly to a SEEDY MOTEL which rents rooms by the hour.

The girl in question was then taken to hospital, where all three of her legs had to be AMPUTATED.

In further developments, police later visited John Terry for a BLOOD TEST to check whether he had been driving under the influence. Police were disgusted to discover that JT`s blood contained a lurid cocktail of alcohol (several times over the limit), performance-enhancing steroids, human growth hormone, weapons-grade cocaine, as well as Viagra. He was immediately HANDCUFFED and TAKEN INTO CUSTODY.

CLARIFICATION: upon verification of the facts, we are happy to clarify that John Terry was, in fact, involved in a slight traffic incident when he hit a Chelsea steward with his Range Rover, driving at a speed of 1 or 2 miles per hour. The incident has been described by everybody, including the steward in question, as 'a complete accident`.

The steward has been taken to hospital for 'bruising on the legs` and pointed out that JT could not have possibly known what was happening. Neither before nor after the incident did the steward in question ever use a wheelchair.

Contrary to what was written earlier, JT was in the car only with his wife, he was driving home respecting the speed limit, and police breath-tests (which are standard procedures in such a case) have revealed that Mr Terry had not been drinking at all. No charges were pressed and no further action is required.

We can, however, confirm the information given in our original article that Chelsea had been playing Inter that evening.

This newspaper would like to apologise to its readers for any misleading information that we may have given them, as well as to Mr Terry. We would like to assure Mr Terry that any slight to his reputation from our original article was purely unintentional.

Link - Vital Football

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We can only live in hope that some of the Sky Sports news gatherers and readers, who pedalled the minor incident and non-story for all its worth, get to see this type of send up. SSN even had the gall to run the original as their top story for mundane hour after mundane hour when, with something like this, read out with their usual deadpan solemnity, would have at least shown they have a sense of humour!

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Very interesting that the child changed gender in the middle of the story. Henceforth any male transexual who wants to become female just needs to call on JT to crash into him! ;)

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