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Demba Ba review - unbiased


Harknowhear

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Hi guys, i'm an Ipswich Town fan,  and an aspiring young sports writer. In my recent article I was challenged to review your signing of Demba Ba in 500 words or less, i'd appreciate it if you took the time to read the article, it would mean an awful lot! All feedback is appreciated whatever it be!

 

Best of luck for the rest of the season guys, i'm predicting you to finish 3rd!

 

If you want to view the article, click the following link:

 

http://harknowhear.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/demba-ba-bargain/

 

 

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Aside from some grammatical mistakes, I think that you spent too much time on Ba's history and your analysis of the transfer basically boils down to "he's good and he gives Chelsea a different option". Also, the article is too formulaic for my taste and lacks any enticement for me to read. You're young, so you don't have an extensive list of contacts or a history of being involved in the sport that'd resonate with your readers. As such, the best thing you can do is develop your own voice. There are a million blogs out there. Give me a reason to want to read yours. 

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TBB wants to see more naked girls basically.

 

I'm an editor on a Hungarian Chelsea blog. In my experience the easiest way to get a lot of visitors it to post tits or take a swipe at Torres (or even better, Messi). Guaranteed high traffic, every time.

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I'm an editor on a Hungarian Chelsea blog. In my experience the easiest way to get a lot of visitors it to post tits or take a swipe at Torres (or even better, Messi). Guaranteed high traffic, every time.

TD's Law:

 

As a Shed End discussion thread grows longer, so the probability of a comparison or reference involving Fernando Torres increases.

 

In other words, given enough time, in any Shed End thread—regardless of topic or scope—someone inevitably makes a comparison or reference to Fernando Torres. 

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You just proved it. What's her name, btw?

Eve Torres. Yes really!

 

She's a woman wrestler. No doubt some would say she's more of a man than you know who.

 

Not me though. I'm much too nice a muppet to go casting doubts on the presence or otherwise of the poor feller's bits and pieces.

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Everyone's a critic but you do need to work on your sentence structure and try and convey more information using less words. Also, you need to allow your sentences to flow a bit more rather than saying something. full stop. next fact. etc. This should help make your text appear a little more slick.

 

For instance, your paragraph on signing for chelsea reads...

 

Chelsea
On 4 January 2013, Ba joined Chelsea for an undisclosed fee. Ba signed a three-and-a-half-year contract, becoming the first ever Senegalese player to join the club. He received the vacant number 29 shirt. Ba made his debut against Southampton in the third round of the FA Cup on 5 January. He marked his first appearance for the club by scoring two goals in a 5–1 victory for Chelsea.

 

and perhaps might read better as...

 

Chelsea
On 4 January 2013, Ba joined Chelsea on a three and a half year contract for an undisclosed fee and, in doing so, became the clubs' first Senegalese player. Taking the number 29 shirt, Ba marked his debut against Southampton in the third round of the FA Cup on 5 January by scoring two goals, the first a vital equaliser, in a much needed 5–1 win.

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I had forgotten what it was like to watch the team play with such a threatening striker. Absolutely cracking goal, held the ball up well and did some magical little touches. It further highlighted how bad poor nando was when he entered the game.

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Well, this is awkward!

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Sure, I've got it!