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Chelsea Players and The Snake


Kev123

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http://www.chelsea.vitalfootball.co.uk/ ... sp?a=68674

The Chelsea squad and entourage recently went on a tour of somewhere hot in West Africa. There, they went walking through the jungle and stumbled across a small poisonous snake....

Frank Arnesen - Sees snake, and hides. Proceeds to tap up two other very young snakes to usurp and kill the other snake. Chelsea get points docked by FA.

Didier Drogba - Sees snake from half a mile away and goes down like he has been bitten by a snake. Spends next five minutes sat on the grass rubbing the wrong leg and looking wronged.

John Terry - Kills and eats snake for looking at him funny.

Arjen Robben - Panics upon seeing snake, and tries to run away. Catches toe in bit of rough grassy earth and is out for four months with resulting injury.

Michael Essien - Calmly walks over to snake and asks snake if it is afraid of Bison.

Ashley Cole - Spends whole time trying to coax an apoplectic Cheryl down from the nearest tree.

Jose Mourinho - Immediately gives press conference with flattering lighting. Complains to the FA that we always seem to get more snakes than the rest of the Premiership. Makes thinly veiled comments that suggest that his comments to Graham Poll after the Sp*rs game were in large part to do with the fact that Graham Poll is actually a snake.

Frank Lampard - Tries to take out snake with a pinpoint 30 yard dead ball free-kick. Resulting kick fails to beat the first grassy mound and goes to waste.

Geremi - Tries to take out snake with a pinpoint 30 yard dead ball free-kick. Resulting kick bends round four palm trees, totally wrongfooting a bamboozled snake and kills it stone dead. Jose still drops him next game for Diarra.

Wayne Bridge - Walks up and snuffs out the snake danger, quickly, quietly, and without fuss. Chelsea fans make up a song about it.

Andrei Shevchenko - Having never seen a snake before walks up and chats amiably to snake for some minutes before returning to the group only to find out that the loathsome creature he just spoke to was not in fact Silvio Berlusconi.

Michael Ballack - Goes through the back of the snake studs high, killing it. Job done. Problem solved. Chelsea fans still boo.

Roman Abramovich - Attempts to pay to make snake to go away, but snake resists over-generous offer, obviously hanging out for more cash. Mr A gets annoyed and pays personal ex-Spetznaz bodyguard to make snake disappear. Report in Daily Mail next day cites Roman Abramovich as main cause of all snakes worldwide becoming extinct.

Shaun Wright-Phillips - Terrified at the sight of the snake bearing down on him, he runs off.

Steve Sidwell - Snake sees his hair and fearing he will catch Ginger, slithers off into the brush very quickly.

Kerry Dixon - Terrorises snake and kills it, adding yet another to his vast tally for Chelsea.

Gianluca Vialli - Luca goes and politely asks snake to leave. Snake so impressed with what a top bloke Luca is, he does so.

Mickey Droy - Snake sh*ts himself and dies of fear.

Glen Johnson - Kills snake by bludgeoning it to death with a toilet seat.

Adrian Mutu - Worried about what might happen if he was stretched out in a line with the Romanian around, the snake coils up quickly.

Brian Laudrup - Is much hyped by everyone for his renowned snake killing abilities. Takes one look at the snake and gets on the next plane to Denmark.

Peter Kenyon - Manages to sell snake a replica Chelsea top, and other things he really does not need, like Chelsea-branded football boots. Snake then buys a season ticket in the Shed the Bridge and gets it taken off him mid-season after being banned for 'persistent standing'.

Eugene Tenenbaum - Snake recognises who is the bigger snake here and gets out of the way before Tenenbaum can sue him.

Roberto Di Matteo - Kills snake stone dead with a wonderful dipping volley from 30 yards and takes only 42 seconds to do so.

Gianfranco Zola - God created all things, and can uncreate them as well if necessary.

Graham Rix - Goes up to snake, which swears blind it is 18, and kills it. Turns out snake is only 15 and Rix goes to court to clear his name.

Frank Sinclair - Kills snake with a large stick and celebrates by running towards the Chelsea throng with his shorts pulled down. Gets sent off.

Chelsea fans - Bombard snake with celery, stunning it, then drown said offending reptile in a plastic pint of warm Budweiser that cost the same as a villa in Marbella. Celebrating the victory, there is much singing and standing. Other fans further away from the action, disgruntled at missing the view, boo and shout "Sidddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnn!!"

Stamford Bridge Facilities Manager - Beheads snake and all of snake`s family. "Meat" pies taste "interesting" next season.

Chelsea Headhunters - Befriend snake and use as mascot for away games to grim Northern sh*tholes that any self respecting snake wouldn`t normally go within a hundred miles of. Snake eventually gets stitched up by a shocking ITV documentary called "Snakes in Burberry" and goes to prison.

Sven Goran Eriksson - Much hyped as solution to England`s problems, Sven is paid more than the GDP of the country the snake lives in to go and sort it out. Sven bores everyone and fails. Sven quits in disgrace after Daily Mirror undercover sting ascertains that he was sleeping with the snake the whole time.

David Beckham - Attempts to kill snake but doesn`t get there fast enough, as Victoria, enraged that snake has the temerity to be thinner than she is, kills snake with a sequinned heel of her Manolo Blahniks.

Graham Poll - Books snake three times and sends him off. Lip-reads of snake show that he called Poll a "son of a snake" - Poll cries about it in the press and on his peak time BBC1 talkshow "Tonight with Graham Poll - The Graham Poll Show. By Graham Poll". Eventually blames Jose Mourinho.

Rafa Benitez - Gives it big in the press about how he knows how to defeat the snake tactically, but after long and drawn out campaign to defeat the snake, boring everyone to tears, no progress is made. A speculative Alonso long-range shot hits a low-flying vulture which crashes into a dead tree and knocks a branch off that falls on the snake and kills it. Press demands that Sir Ickle Stevie Gerrard MBE MotM be Canonised for the victory even though he was missing the whole time.

Alex Ferguson - Throws coffee cup at snake and kills it. Gary Neville talks to press about how the victory was great for football and how he really feels it is United`s season.

Kevin Keegan - Would absolutely LOVE IT if he had killed the snake, but eventually loses the plot and doesn`t manage it.

Freddie Shepherd - Gets photographed in a seedy titty bar with snake and jokes to snake about how Newcastle birds are all ugly. Is forced to apologise for his comments. Signs snake as solution to their centreback problems for ?11m.

Arsene Wenger - Does not see snake. Ever.

Robbie Savage - World rejoices as snake bites Savage and he dies of snakebite.

William Gaillard - Is warned about snake but does nothing about it. Releases comments to the press about how the snake menace is an "English disease".

Craig Bellamy - Tries to seduce snake. Fails. Kills snake with a putter.

Marco Matterazzi - Tells snake he has slept with snake`s offspring. Enraged snake headbutts him.

?and finally?

Steve McLaren - Talks up the snake as "extremely underrated" in the press and fails to kill it off despite very evident 11-1 man advantage. Press boo Frank Lampard anyway.

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Asley Cole: Walks up to snake, kisses it, and says "Hi Dad"

CSR2 Forum Regulars: Complain that other snake owners don't agree that ours is the best and blame it all on the press.

Just: Doesn't see a snake, sees a fish instead. Ignores lack of fins and gills.

Dorset: Starts a new thread about snakes, brilliantly argued and expressed in beautiful English, including a few outrageous but clever puns. Gets two replies.

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Loz: Sees snake as a new feature of the CSR, feels the need to make an announcement, nobody knows why

Yogic: Not convinced it is a snake, suspects it may be a lizard, creates a poll

G4: Calls snake a c*nt, forgets to use capitals

Mike O: Doesn't care about the snake's ability to change its skin, in fact resents it, goes off to show his support for the elephants

Butch: Rationalises with the crowd, explains the pros and cons of the snake and asks that everyone gives the snake a fair chance, after all we are all Chelsea fans, including the snake

Brian m: Dresses the snake in tight leather pants, and takes it out to the cinema, it's a bad film, the snake leaves disappointed

HSK: Takes the snake home and introduces it to Northern Soul, the snake chills out, meets a girl, gets married, has baby snakes

Lofty: Sees the snake for what it is, a scouser, tells it exactly what he thinks of it, then demands Redrob justifies the snake's actions icon_wink.gif

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oh and

Mod: Hates the snake, wishes he could let loose a series of blood curdling expletives in the snake's direction, realises that as forums admin he can't, longs for the day when he was just a regular poster!

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I could get the hang of this!

BJD: After being thrown into a duel, is beaten by Snake under very dubious circumstances. Longs for the day when the Snake returns, so he can get one back on the Snake. Under very dubious circumstances.

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redrobmol: The snake turns away to leave, doesn't want any trouble, Rob attacks it from behind, blames the snakes parents for not taken steps to prepare the snake for such an attack, blames the United Embassy For Snakes for not heeding the letter Rob had put in the post warning them of his impending visit to the snake's home, blames the lions for not patrolling the jungle efficiently, claims it was most probably an Everton fan as Liverpool were playing that day and all Liverppol fans would have been watching the match, asks why the snake was not stopped from getting within 100 yards of the potential snake attack zone - Liverpool back Rob

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redrobmol: The snake turns away to leave, doesn't want any trouble, Rob attacks it from behind, blames the snakes parents for not taken steps to prepare the snake for such an attack, blames the United Embassy For Snakes for not heeding the letter Rob had put in the post warning them of his impending visit to the snake's home, blames the lions for not patrolling the jungle efficiently, claims it was most probably an Everton fan as Liverpool were playing that day and all Liverppol fans would have been watching the match, asks why the snake was not stopped from getting within 100 yards of the potential snake attack zone - Liverpool back Rob

Rick Parry: Claims that Rob, and others, would endevour to reach Snake zone by 'Hook or Crook'. (Vine or Raft).

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Guest Brian M
Kenn - reads snake his latest post, snake dies of old age

Unless I'm having another blonde moment, I think I asked this somewhere else. But...what ever happened to old Kenn?

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Guest Brian M
He is working overseas just now.

Don't they have the internet overseas?

Lucky for me I use telepathy to connect to the CSR then! icon_wink.gif

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Kenn took his leave in a fit of high dudgeon muttering all sorts of veiled insults. The main text of his final post appeared to suggest that he was too good for us anyway.

He was met with a chorus of "off you go then Kenn".

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Kenn took his leave in a fit of high dudgeon muttering all sorts of veiled insults. The main text of his final post appeared to suggest that he was too good for us anyway.

He was met with a chorus of "off you go the Kenn".

Sorry I meant to say that Kenn is working overseas now.

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Guest Brian M

What a shame. He was always good for a laugh, was old Kenn. You should invite him back Loz! Anyone who's that recalcitrant and set in his ways is always good for a giggle.

Besides, if he's not on the CSR, then Dorset gets bragging writes as the longest poster!!! 169.gif

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Guest Brian M
He isn't banned - he is free to come back when he wants

The fact that you've moved house 4 times and changed the CSR2 url 32 times to hide, should not in any way be seen as your not wanting him around... icon_wink.gif

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kenn returned once remember, to complain about something. and then disappeared. it was funny.

qaz: tries to diffuse any possible confict that has happened/ may happen involving the snake. is subsequently eaten.

pauly: slowly builds a starbucks around the snake, trapping it in a world of 5 euro expressos.

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Sofa Manager: Adopts the snake, gets it a Portuguese passport, the snake is permanently writhing on the ground, everyone hates it for simulation, calls it a typical Portu'geezer', Sofa Manager plays the race card.

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