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The Wayne Rooney Saga - as El Tel’s it


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Mere business it may be, but Sky Sports promotional puff has been acknowledged by experts in the field of advertising as the stuff of dreams for longer than most of us care to remember. Truth be told, that amnesia is brought on by the Chels hardly featuring in any of it, whereas ManU has… repeatedly. However, all this is about to change and, as far as I’m concerned, one word sums it up rather nicely. Schadenfreude. Visual expression of this can be seen in Wayne Rooney’s imminent departure from Old Trafford and Sky’s handling of it, making it all the more palpably sweet for Chelsea fans. Of course, for me, there is no malice aforethought, but you can’t help smiling when you think of all those Super-Sky, United-orientated, mega-productions that will now have to be consigned to the bin, for the simple, yet poignantly relevant, reason that their want-away-Wazza features in most of the best bits.

Indeed, my first instinctive recall of what will soon be persona non grata material for Sky is that classic Rooney overhead kick, two years ago against Man City, which received star treatment like no other before it, or since. Terry Venables provided the narration and, enthusing with autocue-induced subtlety, described the player’s movement as being all ‘part of the dance’ - such eloquence, just when you were fully expecting a real romp of a phrase more in keeping with El Tel’s usual jig of choice - the cockney caper. Memorable, then, on both counts and a real shame that this little nugget of football brilliance, plus linguistic wrap (as opposed to Rio rap, mercifully) is destined never to see Sky light of day again.

Why so, the naïve and uninitiated might ask, without realising how heinous a crime against Mancunity this potential transfer will be, should it manifest itself into reality. Time to mark the card of these innocents and to do so we need to think back to the time when the likes of Japp Stam, Ruud van Nistlerooy and Cristiano Ronaldo stopped wearing the red shirt. Each one deigned to depart Old Trafford amidst ever-decreasing acrimony, culminating in a blessed acceptance of the latter fulfilling a boyhood dream - yet who could possibly get annoyed at losing even a Winker when someone shoves a cheque for £80million quid into your hand in return? Well, that downward, trendsetting curve of acquiescence is about to change big time and is destined to be replaced by Richter scale levels of abuse.

Nothing is rocket science where Wayne is concerned and this situation is no exception. He’s English, you see, whereas the other three aren’t. He’s also an integral part of the England setup, which makes for uncomfortable reading, no matter which way you try to cut it or edit it in this Manchester-centric Media of ours. In such circumstances, a certain skirting around of facts is required and, to use Tel’s terminology, it’s a dance we’re all becoming part of as the weeks go by and we head for transfer deadline day. Firstly, we are led to the media trough and expected to believe in his reconciliation with David Moyes, but Wayne couldn’t have looked less reconciled if he’d tried and they couldn’t make us drink it down. Then Jose stuck his oar in and it became clear that a far from happy player simply had to be dragged half way across the world merely to fulfil obligation and prevent further speculation.

Then, unbelievably, we are ask to swallow the ’fact’ that actual exertion damage has followed [all too swiftly for his own good] this blatant damage limitation exercise. Hamstring tears are tricky things, but they don’t often occur when you are [allegedly] approaching peak fitness, let alone when you’re somewhere you don’t want to be, sulking and slouching around, and your lips are pulled tighter than your hamstrings are ever likely to be. So, surprise, surprise, a prompt return home was followed by a continuance of the character assassination in print that was inevitable from the moment Moyes fired that starting pistol, otherwise known as his verbal confirmation that Rooney would only play when Van Persie couldn‘t. Quite frankly, the dance has now turned into such a gavotte of gross exaggeration it looks just plain silly in print and even sillier when delivered, tongue in cheek, by SSNews presenters who must be sick to death of giving updates with last rite solemnity.

Yet, doubtless, there is more to come, as we spin our way towards Mancunian pride being assuaged by the purchase of a big name replacement (Cesc Fabregas to name but [the only] one) combined with an all too predictable swoop for Marouane Fellaini, both funded from an ever-open Glazer wallet that, perish any other thought, empties well before it is replenished by roubles from a Rooney sale. And, talking of the predictable, how long before we last waltz our way to Luis Suarez going to Real Madrid and Gonzalo Higuain ending up at the Emirates? Not long now, I’ll wager, though it will seem like a lifetime to Wayne, as he convalesces in silence, waiting for Cesc to show signs of saying yesc to United and pondering on what is the best moment to put in his own transfer request.

Got news for you Gazza - there isn’t one - and Sky are busy saving the last dance for you.

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Brilliant, Dorset. Always a pleasure reading your posts. Particularly liked "heinous crime against Mancunity", you clever sausage.


Would love this signing to happen, despite initial reservations.


Of course if he leaves Utd for Chelsea he will become the most reviled person as far as the media is concerned, and he will probably be jeered when playing for England, but who cares?


He will have a point to prove and hopefully he will stuff it down all their throats, that is, if he's not stuffing loads of Greggs pasties down his own throat.


We shall see.

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Fantastic piece.


I've seriously warmed to the idea of us signing Wayne Rooney and have a strong gut feeling that we will indeed sign him before long.

Make absolutely no mistake, he WILL be gone from Old Trafford by the summer's end.


Imagine... just imagine if we sign Rooney and he scores a winning goal against Manchester United on our second game the season?

Old Trafford might just explode.

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