Lofty.

A dull c**t then. That works.

Scousers? What do they know? LukeMcC278, Belfast, United Kingdom, 59 minutes ago Haha good luck with that Chelsea, he's a walking disaster. He's learnt his trade off football manager. GotMyTinFoilHatOn Brilliant news, hopefully they give him just enough time to run Chelsea into the ground. scouse says Good Luck wth that, he was useless @ Liverpool, unfortunately we replaced him with Ian Ayre who's 10 times worse.

The blue and green effort? Imagine being a Newcastle fan. Walking around with a Wonga-logo splattered atrocity. To be fair, the logo fits in better with their third kit than it does with the frst or second, mainly becaise the third kit and the Wonga logo are equally f**king 'orrible.

So when did you have your sense of humour bypass op? You really, really don't get it all, do you.

Well this is strange. I could have sworn that the last word in my previous post was "bollocks"* as in: *(As opposed to the er... uncommonly [or not] held opinion that every single word I ever write is bollocks)

Firstly, could this thread be merged with the other Phil Dowd thread, I wonder? And secondly for those saying it's embarrassing to blame the ref, you're missing the point entirely. If I'd wanted to blame Phil Dowd, I'd have done so in the match thread, and I'd have said in so many words: "It's Phil Dowd's fault we dropped two points". Which isn't what's being said here at all, or in PeckhamBlue's thread. What is being said, quite plainly and simply, is that Phil Dowd is a useless fat lump of a ref, too fat and too slow to keep up with the play, and that he's either too eager to please and/or too sh*t-scared to upset, the home crowd. You can quite justifiably slag off a ref for being useless without decending to RAWK like "they're all against us" bollocks, and that's what's happening here.

The following shows a list of the bookings from today's match. Phil Dowd handed out no less than seven yellow cards, including Ivan's two, to Chelsea players. So was it a dirty game? Are we a dirty team? The answer to both these questions is clearly no we f**king ain't. So how do we end up with seven yellow cards, against Man U's meagre total of three. The answer quite clearly and simply is Phil Dowd. Even the Sky commentators were making a point about Phil Dowd making a series of long-distance bookings, dishing out yellow cards for incidents that he can not possibly have had a clear view. Add that to the penalty he failed to award, and the only conclusion you can possibly come to is that Phil the Fatman is incompetent, overweight, and has neither the guts nor the integrity to award a blatant penalty for fear of offending the home fans. These are the self same Sky commentators who spent much of the second half willing a Man U equaliser. And no things don't even themselves out, not when it comes to Chelsea v Man U.

Is your monitor upside down, is that the problem? If so I'd better explain. The image below shows the current Premier League table. You will notice that we ourselves are at the top of the list. On the left, the number one refers to our current position in the league, and the number 23 the number of points we have currently accrued. Not the other round. Be fair, 23rd out of 20 would be some trick. Not even 'arry could pull that one off.

Over-reasonable responses within seconds of a game in which points are needlessly dropped should be banned and bombed. Blame the ref: That's what he's there for.

*Because I promised. - Managing to miss JT and Ivan being hauled to the ground, turns down a nailed on penalty.. because it's in front of the Stretford End - DIshes out yellow cards to our playerske as if they confetti - Gives Man U pressure-relieving free kicks whenever one of their players falls over. Fellaini falling to his knees anyone? - And sends Ivan off for what? Did He even touch him? P.D.Y.F.C.. I'm sure you can work that out, but if you really need a clue, the fourth word is "fat.

The Wizard of Os:

A Chelsea song: We all hate Leeds and Leeds and Leeds Leeds and Leeds and Leeds and Leeds and Leeds We all f**king hate Leeds. The Leeds song: To the tune of "Que Sera Sera : When I was just a little boy I asked my mother "What should I be?" "Should I be Chelsea? Should I be Leeds?" Here's what she said to me; "Wash you mouth out son, And go get your fathers gun, And shoot the Chelsea scum Shoot the Chelsea scum (We hate Chelsea, We hate Chelsea...) Which changes nothing. Unlike Dave Webb's goal:

No problem.

My mistake. I had assumed that people would realise that these threads had more than a touch of the Derek & Clive's about them. But of course I can see how easily my intention might be misconstued. And so I shall now give my word that this will be the last of my W.A.C. threads (for October)

Dumbarton 0 - 3 Rangers ON a dark and dreary afternoon in Dumbarton it was Rangers who shone the brightest as they ran out comfortable 3-0 winner at the Bet Butler Stadium. After missing an early penalty Gers went on to dominate the game as they opened the scoring just a couple minutes later through Kenny Miller. The experienced forward has brought a spark to the front line since his return from injury last weekend against Raith Rovers. Two goals in the second half cushioned Rangers lead, with an impressive display from Lee Wallace creating his own goal before Kris Boyd added to his tally for the second league game in a row. The first half started with a theme that was to run throughout the first 45 minutes. Wallace was fed from the left by Steve Smith, who looked dangerous down the left throughout. Wallace turned in the box but fired the ball just wide of the left upright. With eight minutes gone it was service from the right that opened up the Dumbarton defence –Richard Foster placed a ball across the face of goal for Fraser Aird to put a ball back into the area when it reached him on the left on the six yard box. His cross some shot was blocked by Lee Mair, his block falling to Nicky Law who fired over from just yards out. Rangers were upping the pressure and two minutes later Kenny Miller whipped a dangerous looking ball into the far post. It nearly alluded Danny Rodgers but there was no Rangers player quick enough into the box to meet it. Dumbarton had a handful of chances as 15 minutes ticked by on the clock. Garry Fleming has a weak shot on the edge of the area and it bounced past Simonsen’s right post. Mitch Megginson puts a similar ball into the area from the left as Miller had done for Rangers but as with Rangers no Dumbarton players were onrushing to reach it. With 22 minutes played a mess up in the Rangers back line by McCulloch caused him to gift Delhaney who cut the ball back to Nash but he slipped and let the chance pass him by. A minute later the game was to turn as Wallace was brought down in the box by Van Zanten and the referee pointed to the spot. Lee McCulloch subsequent penalty was saved by Rodgers down to his left. But just two minutes after that miss Smith curled a ball in from the left which Boyd missed at the near post, Miller didn’t make the same mistake and poked the ball home at the far post to make it 1-0 after all and make his tally three for the season. Smith was at it again with 39 minutes gone as he whipped another ball in from the left channel. Boyd rose highest in the six yard box to meet it but he couldn’t put his effort on target as he watched it fly past the upright. Smith created another two similar chances in the five minutes before half time. First for McCulloch who angled his header just wide in front of an open goal and then again for Aird who headed over. Rangers started the second period brightly with Miller and Boyd combining on the edge of the area, Miller cutting the ball across the box for the arriving Boyd but the striker could only fire over from seven yards out. The strike duo joined up well again on 54 minutes with Boyd threading a ball through to Miller as they broke on the counter attack. With the keeper to beat Miller couldn’t lift the ball over Rodgers and in a scramble the ball was claimed by the Dumbarton stopper. Dumbarton also threatened early in the second half as they played a couple of dangerous balls into Gers box. The Light Blues had been threatening and with an hour gone Rangers made it 2-0 with some pretty play down the left between Wallace and Miller. The full back stormed down the channel and played a quick one two with Miller to then take the shot himself powering the ball into the bottom corner beyond the outstretched Rodgers. Smith turned provider once again as Rangers took a three goal lead with 72 minutes gone. Boyd rose high at the near post to head the cross home from the left and make it two goals in two league games. The striker had been struggling for league goals and after looking to the sky after his first goal in five games against Raith it seems his prayers are being answered. And just five minutes from time Wallace had a chance to give himself another for the afternoon with a free kick on the left but his powerful shot from 25 yards out was straight at Rogers. Rangers: Simonsen, Foster, McGregor, Wallace, McCulloch, Law, Aird, Macleod, Smith (Templeton 76â€), Miller (Clark 84â€), Boyd (Daly 80â€). Subs: Robinson, Faure, Shiels, Hutton Goals: Miller (26â€), Wallace (60â€), Boyd (72â€) Dumbarton: Rogers, Van Zanten (Campbell 67â€), Linton, Graham, Mair, Gilhaney, Agnew, Nish, Megginson (Turner 78â€), Kirkpatrick (MacDonald 34â€), Fleming. Subs: Ewings, McLaughlin, McDougall. Yellows: Fleming (41â€), Van Zanten (42â€)

That depends (a) on your definition of the word c**t, along with the context in which it's used, and (b) how seriously you take a thread such as this. Michael Owen the commentator fits in perfectly with my definition, in the context of this type of thread, which really shouldn't be taken too seriously.

By Michael Owen or by this thread? Neither. I don't hate the bloke. He's not even hateable, such is the level of his c**tery.

Dear God. The first three responses to this thread are as boring as Michael Owen himself.

Team News: Four Changes For Rangers RANGERS make one change today from last week's 6-1 win over Raith Rovers and four from their win at East Fife in the Challenge Cup on Tuesday. Kenny Miller and Kris Boyd retain their places up front in the League ahead of Nicky Clark and Jon Daly, three of whom scored in that rout against Raith. Daly scored another goal in the week in the Light Blues Challenge Cup clash with East Fife, to add to his brace against last weekend. Miller returned to the side after 6 weeks out and made an impressive impact on the side against Raith. He and Boyd linked up to provide each other with a goal a piece in the second half and were substituted to a rapturous applause from the Ibrox faithful. Steven Smith comes into the side to replace the injured Ian Black who misses out after his free kick secured Gers 2-0 Cup victory in midweek. RANGERS: Simonsen, Foster, McGregor, Wallace, McCulloch, Law, Aird, Macleod, Smith, Miller, Boyd. SUBS: Robinson, Clark, Templeton, Daly, Faure, Smith, Shiels, Hutton.

Whiney voiced, boring as f**k, ex-Liverpool and Man U. How c**tish is it possible for one man to be?

i'm going to be a bit boring here. The only times I can remember turning up late was when I went straight from work. Plymouth away and a Tottenham night match I've already written about elsewhere.Jeunesse Hautcharage was another one, got there late from work, and when I asked some bloke the score he told me it was 4-0, or maybe 5-0, after all this time I forget. Even the relegation at White Hart Lane when most of us were locked out, I sneaked up to the front of the queue so was was one of the few Chelsea to get in to the game. I've also written in depth about that one. Oh and then there was Rotherham. The 6-0. Weird one this. Being skint I hitchiked overnight, got there in plenty of time, and walked into some pub at opening time. All the pubs were supposed to be closed that day except to locals, but me being there on my own at openers, well knackered, and well and truly Behaving Myself, everything was fine. As I said, I was well skint, but got talking to the locals, who I have to say, were f**king brilliant. They were telling me about how much they hated Sheffield, so lapped up my stories about getting nicked at Wednesday away and all the rest of it. In fact I got on so well, they wouldn't let me put my hands in my pocket. As it happens, the pub was on the route from the station to the ground, so there I was with all these Rotherham watching the Chelsea that had come on the specials. I spotted this bloke I'd known for years, from South London somewhere, known as Goon .At the bar I announced that I knew "that lot". "Are they mates of yours? Get 'em in!" So I gave Goon and his mates a shout, and we just carried on with the pissup, having a right old time. So much so that we managed to miss the kickoff (got there at last). Listening to the match on the radio, we were two or three (I think it was three) nil down by the time we got out. "You're welcome to stay lads", we were told, but thanked them and staggered off to the ground. Goon and his mates went in with the Chelsea, but on the spur of the moment, I turned left instead of right, straight into the middle of the Rotherham end. Pissed as a fart, doing my best pissed as a fart Billy Connolly impression. "I'm no English pal. I'm fae Glasgae. Hey jimmy can ye gissa cigarette?" Well out of it, I kept this up for the rest of the game, not bothering to watch the match. At the final whistle, I went out with the Rotherham mob, and if suddenly dawned on me that I didn't have a clue where I was going, and that I somehow needed to get home. So I sidled up to some Yorkshire Old Bill, and in a stage whisper I told him: "I'm not really Scottish, I'm Chelsea... " I had intended to ask for directions either to the motorway or to the mainline station, with the intention of bunking back on the special, but f**k knows what happened then, because the next thing I remember was waking, up in the back seat of a carload of Chelsea fans that I didn't know from Adam. To this day I've got no idea what happened, no idea how I got there. If only I'd stuck around, but when they pulled up at a service station, I wandered off and got a lift down to Walthamstow, and from there I got the underground home. Come to think of it, I'm sure I've already written about The Rotherham Saga, but what happened between my approach to the plod and the time I woke up is as much of a mystery as it ever was.

And now... Balotelli Snakes & Ladders:

Immortalised in the song from the seventies, he's due to be released in a few days. After all these years, the Police Federation are calling the decision to release Roberts: "a scandalous, hurtful and abhorrent decision which opens the door even further for those who have scant regard for law and order", while the Met are calling the decision "a betrayal of policing". My take on this. He's 78 years old, he's been away for 45 years. That's Forty Five Years. Inside. He's hardly going to be a menace to society. Let him die at home. Harry Roberts to be freed

Translated into English, what that means is that we win things and they... don't. That's the reason Scousers hate us, they're seething with bitterness and jealousy, and have been spouting exactly the same brand of verbal diarrhoea since the day Abraomovich walked into the club. With every trophy we win they hate us that much more. In short it proves that we as a club are getting it right (ok, ok, even Gourlay wasn't that bad, Benitez appointment aside), while they continue to wallow in the glories of their increasingly distant past.

Oh look, a new game. Which one is the real miserable as sin ex-Liverpool player pundit and which are the cardboard cutouts?