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The return of the Michael Ballack diaries....


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JA! It is so easy, Manchester United comes to the Bridge as England's champion and is leaving like a small child covered in tears. In the first half my header is too strong. One - zero. I drifted into the gap like a fußball ghost and BANG!

Then Riccy Carvalho makes a small error and Wayne Rooney scores. But the crowd are not abusing Riccy, they know he has made a great season. After that arrives the highlight, it is my penalty.

All the paper and TV is asking me after the game 'did you feel the pressure before the spotted kick?' I laugh at their stupid small faces. I love pressure, it drives me! And I blast the ball in the goal. Tor! If you fear the pressure you should not be a fußball hero. Remember, when the chips are down on the table, the tough come in the kitchen.


Relax day. I went with my childrens, partner Simone and Riccy to Madame Tussaud's house of wax. For some minutes Riccy thought the dummies are real people. He asked me, "Mikey, why is Prince William and Elton John so quiet?" I explain him that they are made of candles.


We are making light trainings before the Liverpool half-final. Just soft stretchings and runnings. I tell Frank Lampard some advices about penalty shooting.

Later we watch the other half-final of Manchester and Barcelona. It is a nice match, ja. But I feel sad for Barcelona. They lose to a team I destroyed alone.


Wow! What a big game. We were made scared by Liverpool, but we have reached Moscow. I knew Lampsy will score his penalty. He made a German-style kick and we were all so proud of him.

It is incredible, I am incredible. In 2003/04 Cheslea is in the half-final of Champions League but without Michael Ballack in the team. They lose. In 2004/05 Chelsea is in the half-final without Michael Ballack and they lose. In 2006/07 Chelsea is in the half-final without Michael Ballack (I had big injury) and they lose.

Tonight Chelsea is the half-final of the Champions League with Michael Ballack and they win. Ja! Mit Herr Ballack Chelsea ist die finalist! I am the magic ingredient in this football meal. I am the keystone of the plan scheme.

Liverpool is out. As Sir Alan Sugars says on his nice British TV programme, "You are SACKED!" I love The Apprentices Show. But why do they call him Sugar? He isn't sweet. Riccy has some nightmares about Alan Sugar's big, crinkling leather beard face. He tells me in trainings.


My head is banging, we had the party after the game. It finished at 4am in a London discoclub. The DJ was playing up-tempo musics as we were drinking much champagne and blond lager beer. At one point I went to the DJ and asked him to put on some of my favourite songs. But he didn't have Robbie Williams. He tells me only house music and dancing numbers. I don't care so much. But I know Riccy was upset when he couldn't listen the songs of his preferred rockers Chris De Burgh and Bryan Adams.


Now the games against big clubs are finished until the final in Moscow, I can relax for a while. I want to go to the zoo with Riccy. He loves to see the animals.


As I am expected, a relax game against one of England's provincial northen sides with vociferous fans, all who wear the black and white tunic. Chelsea was feeling edgy in the first 45 minutes, but I calmed them in part two mit my excellent goal. Didier (we are of course friends, the argument over the free-kick ist forgotten) crossed the ball and I made a glancing head. No player of Newcastle was challenging me. They defended like some classical England's pub team. This is why you don't see England at Euro 2008. Who leaves the captain of Deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft alone in the penalty zone? I punished the Geordie Army!

Now we have one more game to decide the champions. My cash money is on Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC to win the Premier League and dance around covered in smiles and blond lager beer. Then Moscow falls to Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC champions of Europe 2008. The party is waiting. Ja!

I make the next part of my diary after Michael Ballack and Chelsea FC are lifting the UEFA Champions League trophy. I love my life, I am Michael Ballack, a great talent and a hero to the Germans and Londoners.

http://football365.com/story/0,17033,87 ... 13,00.html

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thats class. did anyone else read it with Rainier Wolfcastles voice?

and this bit made me laugh a lot

All the paper and TV is asking me after the game 'did you feel the pressure before the spotted kick?' I laugh at their stupid small faces
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  • 2 weeks later...
Scored a winner in a friendly against Serbia today. Apparently from a spotkick that was a result of a foul by another Chelsea man - the often heard of but never seen, Branislav Ivanovic. He's #6 in the wall - the one that half turns in a ballerina kind of way when the ball is struck.

http://rs180.rapidshare.com/files/11915 ... ia_2-1.avi

Great strike by the Porsche, Ivanovic wasnt to blame, the Serb #11 moved from his position in the wall and let the ball through, Ivanovic looked at the #11 with arms open as if to say "you clucking pussy" 317.gif

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Another Ballack diary entry from last August:

JA! First day in our Surrey training camp and I can test my poor ankle after

my injury. It was fantastic to see the boys again - JT, Sheva, Didier, new

boy Pizarro (who like me are captains of their national teams) and Lampsy.

And the others, the small guys. I do not talk to all of them, the small

boys, kleine jungen.

I wanted a table in our luncheon hall for international captains only but

that was not voted. It is a pity. I had to sit near the Dutch coward-girl

Robben AGAIN today. I, captain of the Deutsche mannschaft with a tiny boy

who cries like the wolfs.

JT is too funny, he calls me 'Jerry' from my first day at the club. He is

brilliant, all day 'Jerry' or sometimes 'Fritz'. Too funny. He and Lampsy

sometimes sing about 'Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo daa, doo daa' -

it is so funny. They are simple boys who aren't listening at school.

Yesterday I made a song called 'Three World Cups, three European

Championships and the perfect economic model of the latter part of the 20th

century, doo daa, doo daa' but they had already gone after trainings when I

was preparing to sing it to them. I sang it instead to Ricky Carvahlo but he

just looked confused. I think he might be mentally simple, but I like him,

he is eine 'top geezer'!

I love the English humour, they know that they are barbarians stuck on an

island for the safety of Europe and only celebrating a 1966 Weltermeister

when the ball isn't crossing the line! Do you know what I say English

Islanders? Verstehst du was ich sage? You shout like the bear in the

woodlands but you are in the truth like the smaller squirrel or cat in size

and achievement!

I took my foot off the gas pedal in training today, and Ashley Cole shouted

at me. I didn't understand what he shouts, but my agent told me aftereards

that "Stop f**king coasting you toolkit" is meaning that I shouldn't put the

work so hard in training because I could make an injury. I shouldn't give

too much power and force in rehearsal games or not-big matches. Ja, is true.

Slow down, ist gut Ashley. A lot of fans come to me and say "stop coasting"

and I am very emotional to know that they are caring for me so much.

Shopping! Ja I love shopping. With my children we can go into the Hamleys

Toy shop and spend hours. It is good value too, I bought a giant Harry

Potter Jigsaw for £150, das ist perhaps 250 Euros. Then we go to Carnaby

Street where they filmed 'Austin Powers', I walked up and down shouting 'Ja

baby!' like Austin in the films. My children couldn't stop laughing! I love

London. I often invite JT and Lampsy for fish 'n' chips in the Millennium

Wheel but they are always busy. I know Lampsy likes fish 'n' chips, his car

smells of it always.

I arrived early at trainings today for a chat with Mister Jose. He told me I

am starting at zero this season, and I must fight for my place. Of course,

it is obvious. Es ist offensichtlich! But I like a challenge. When I was a

13 years boy at home and the Berlin Wall was fell, I knew that I could

overcome anything. When I score the goals in the half-final of the Champions

League in 02, or World Cup in 02, or in the FA Cup in 07 I proved that I

like a challenge. I will be in the team when I am feeling my ankle better.

This Sidwell boy cannot take my place, he is not even in the England

mannschaft, but I am captain of Germany. Lampsy and I are born to be special

partners for many years.

I did my impression of Austin Powers for Ricky Carvalho at the end of

trainings today. I jumped out of some bushes and shouted 'JA BABY I WANT TO

SHAG YOU!' and he got very afraid, and ran from me. I think he is mentally

retarded. When I make the Austin voice with the German National Mannschaft

(three World Cups and three Euros JT and Lampsy!) World Cup training camp

everyone is laughing, even der boss Klinnsi.

I often make jokes with the German Fußballtrainingslager. Before the 2006

half-final against the Italians I relaxed the squadron by dressing up as

Chris De Burgh and singing 'Lady In Red'. Wunderbar, so funny. One of the

reasons I moved to Chelsea was to be in London near stars like Chris De

Burgh and Michael Bolton.

I love London and cannot wait for the new season. I want to help Chelsea win

the Champions League. And help Ricky Carvalho develop his brain.

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i laughed a couple times during that, thanks.

I did my impression of Austin Powers for Ricky Carvalho at the end of

trainings today. I jumped out of some bushes and shouted 'JA BABY I WANT TO

SHAG YOU!' and he got very afraid, and ran from me. I think he is mentally


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  • 4 weeks later...

it returns, again.

Ja! Das ist what I'm talking about! Cristiano Ronaldo, you're fired! Nuno Gomes, you're fired! Colin Kazim Kazim Kazim, you're fired! Fatih Terim, you're fired!

Europameisterschaft 2008 final, you're hired!

Building-up/Physical aspect

I have felt myself good this tournament. My physical structure is nice. All my problem with the ankle is clear now.

Since the day premium class doktor Hans-Wilhelm Müller-Wohlfahrt corrected my ankle on April 27th 2007, I have started a long road to recovery.

I made a big second part of season with Chelsea. I drive them to the UEFA Champions League final in Moscow. The result is scheiße but I did my bit with my penalty shot. I can look at Michael Ballack in the mirror.

After Moscow's disaster I cleared my brains and met up with my Co-national boys. I have a job to do, I am Kapitän of the Germany Fußballnationalmannschaft.

Our coach Jogi Low is pleased with me. He says he likes my body since I come in England. It's true, I am feel in strong conditions.

Kilos and Riccy cheese worryings

I have lost some kilos. Not just because of trainings. But also in the Chelsea FC's food hall after practice matches. Sometimes Ricardo Carvalho chooses food he doesn't understand and can't eat it.

Riccy is frightened of cheese and some days he is putting it on his plate and gets agitated. Once, in April, he gets upset by the very strong fragrant Stilton.

He couldn't digest it and looked all sad at me, his big brünette puppy-face eyes all fragile and moistured. I gave him my left-unders.

England's TV

I have ask my partner Simone to send DVDs of my preferred English TV programmes. I missed the final of Sir Alan Sugar's The Apprentice and Britains Is Got Talent.

I think Sir Alan Sugar's made a good choice. But I am suprise at Britains Is Got Talent. It is won by a mentally slow boy who falls over in water.

Other teams at Europameisterschaft

France were a big disappoint. Claude Makelele is excellent as my servant in Chelsea's stadium, but in the France he has no reference point, idol, to inspire his work.

Anelka is a calm, quiet boy. But I don't know how you take a player who makes such an ugly penalty in Moscow to a big Eurocup with the France squadron.

And Italy, who stole the World Cup half-final against us two years ago? They are at home or in the beach. When I see Fabio Cannavaro screaming in injury in trainings I am shocked.

It is the first time in a big tournament an Italian player who is riding the stretcher is injured for real! Ha ha das ist a gut one!

I made Riccy crying

Portugal have been dismissed by my Germany team. This was a great day for us but very difficult for Riccy. When I saw his tiny child-like scared glances in the tunnel before the game, I knew something must be done immediately.

I embraced him but gave him strong words.

I explain him that we couldn't be friends for 90 minutes. This is not London. But I told him after full-time whistle point we would be friends again.

I told him that even if we had different colour tunics on, nothing could cancel the adventures and fun we have made in London together.

Whatever the result, we will still go to TK Maxx together. We will still exchange-swap our music cassettes. In fact this reminds me. I have still got his favourite cassette - The Heat Is On, from Beverly Hills Cop 1.

After the game (Deutschland bezwingt Portugal 3-2), I walked over to Riccy and make a cradle for his sad face with my strong hands. His grief was too clear to see. It was a special moment.

It was like the song by pop's George Michael. The song 'Jesus to a Child'. Riccy Carvalho is a sweet child. I am maybe a sports Jesus.

Big Game Match-up

Now all thoughts are on the final. For sure we ride some luck to liquidate the Turkey. I did not play a beautiful game. But others players stepped into the plate. It was a night for others to eat the limelight.

When the final comes I will be back to the besten and, I, Michael Ballack will kick some arschloch. Ja!

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superb. thats fantastic.

But I am suprise at Britains Is Got Talent. It is won by a mentally slow boy who falls over in water.

i said exactly the same thing to my mates. almost word for word. though i called him a mentalist. me and ballack think alike. like it.

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