South Yorkshire Police has admitted responsibility for everything that has ever been wrong with the great city of Liverpool and the cheeky little scallywags who call it home. The police will also retrospectively apologise for any other grievances Liverpudlians may remember or dream up in future.
‘We sincerely apologise for the decline of traditional heavy industries and the resulting mass unemployment,’ said South Yorkshire’s Police Commissioner Numpty. ‘We’re truly sorry for the sectarian religious hatred so many of the city’s residents brought with them from Ireland. We’d also like to apologise for your shell suits, moustaches, curly perms and ridiculous accents. Oh, and Brookside, Ferry Cross The Mersey, Derek Hatton, Lily Savage and Holly Johnson.’