Some ratings for some players for 2008/9 incorporating a revolutionary new concept the "Look at Me Everybody" (LAME) index. This index is an interval level scale of measurement, from 1 to 10, measuring a person's propensity for playing to the cameras. Claude Makalele gets a 1 while the lovely Phil Brown gets a 10. Hopefully you get the idea.

Cech - 7 - I think he should wear a duller shirt so he might appear less flappy. We can't afford for him to suffer this season's patches of poor form again. When he was good, which was often, we looked like a good team.

Cole - 8 - Very impressed by everything he does on and around the pitch. Not only a good player he also gets on with his job in a professional manner. A surprisingly low LAME index of 3.

Terry - 7.5 - Still my favourite player and still excellent. Brings so much more to the team than just his strength, aerial ability, and positional sense. He also contributes massively in terms of leadership and as a talismanic figure for the club. A slightly worrying LAME index of 7, though it is down on last year's due to the welcome absence of tears.

Alex - 7 - Not to everyone's taste but I like him because he reminds me of Paul McGrath. Can't think of too many bad games although he doesn't offer much in terms of leadership when things are going against us.

Ivanovic - 6.5 - One magnificent performance showed us what he can do and contributed 50 percent of his total score. In common with the rest of Eastern Europe a LAME index of 1.

Bosingwa - 7 - Nice player, good ability but lacking in consistency. Could make himself a nailed-on starter next season as he is certainly good enough.

Mikel - 6.5 - "The Mikel Role"; "The greatest midfielder of his generation"; "Must be good as Alex Ferguson wanted him" (no one actually said that last one). Hugely handicapped by the fact that Loz thinks he's brilliant, continually suggesting him as a candidate for man of the match in his little weekly intros, Mikel has gone backwards this season. Had a patch in the first few months of the season where he got rave reviews for standing there in matches we totally dominated, his star has been somewhat on the wane since then. Beautiful to look at, and a pleasingly languid style, mask the fact that he never imposes himself on a game and never dictates when I think it is reasonable to expect him to at least show some signs of developing these skills.

Lampard - 8.5 - I love you Frank. How can one man actually look different to every other player in world football when he's on the ball? Has everything in his locker and we are privileged to have him on our team. And despite having more justification for having a high score than everyone else Frank comes in with a LAME index of 2.

Ballack - 5.5 - Just not good enough from our Tippytoeing Teutonic Tosser, if he was a young lad from Barnet he wouldn't get near our reserve team. Runs around a lot apparently. (I realise G4 likes him which means he probably is good). Add to the misplaced passes, the frequent fouls, the jumping out of challanges, and the meagre goal count a LAME index of 6, then as Danielle Lloyd would say just f**k off home Micheal.

Malouda - 7 - He certainly fooled me as he had me totally convinced that he was severely limited as a footballer. Then he turns around and reveals some talent in the final third of the season. Could become a really useful contributor if he keeps that Hiddink's rocket in his nether regions on a permanent basis.

Kalou - 6 - Has me totally convinced that he is severely limited as a footballer.

Anelka - 7.5 - Le Francais le plus francais de l'histoire de France. Si vous cherchez le mot "insouciant" dans le dictionnaire vous y trouverez une photo de notre petite merveille. Il y a meme un "s" muet dans son nom, sans deconner.

Drogba - 7 - It's a bit scary that such a big man, who exhibits so such bravery, and shoulders so much responsiblity, has the constitution and inner fortitude of a 5-year-old girl (with apologies to any 5-year-old girls reading this). Took Hiddink to put his arms around him and tell him he was a great lad before he showed us what we already know - on his game he is the best striker in the world. Needless to say his LAME index is 10 but he never watches himself on TV. If he did he surely wouldn't behave so twattishly.

Edited June 4, 200916 yr by Liam

Ballack - 5.5 - Just not good enough from our Tippytoeing Teutonic Tosser, if he was a young lad from Barnet he wouldn't get near our reserve team. Runs around a lot apparently. (I realise G4 likes him which means he probably is good). Add to the misplaced passes, the frequent fouls, the jumping out of challanges, and the meagre goal count a LAME index of 6, then as Danielle Lloyd would say just f**k off home Micheal.

Does he get extra LAME points for hassling Ovrebro?

Anelka - 7.5 - Le Francais le plus francais de l'histoire de France. Si vous cherchez le mot "insouciant" dans le dictionnaire vous y trouverez une photo de notre petite merveille. Il y a meme un "s" muet dans son nom, sans deconner.

mdr

excellent stuff again liam. excited to see this new system develop in the future, hopefully with colourful graphs and pie charts.

p.s. although, that's a very, very dodgy LAME rating for lampard though, much as I love him.

Good ratings there, Liam - pretty much agree with your take on our players' seasons. Impressed with your French, too!

There's a genuineness and intelligence about Frank which convinces me that his behaviour, while demonstrative, is not determined by how it looks.

And thanks Backbiter but unfortunately French is not one of my languages - a colleague translated for me!

Lampard - 8.5 - I love you Frank. How can one man actually look different to every other player in world football when he's on the ball? Has everything in his locker and we are privileged to have him on our team. And despite having more justification for having a high score than everyone else Frank comes in with a LAME index of 2.

So true. He runs with that sort of shuffling, chopping gait that nobody else does, but it gives him great agility as Aston Villa found out all too well. It's actually sort of a fun game. Watch any given MOTD clip from this season. See what percentage of Chelsea chances are either created or finished by Frank. It's around 90%, I swear.

So true. He runs with that sort of shuffling, chopping gait that nobody else does, but it gives him great agility as Aston Villa found out all too well. It's actually sort of a fun game. Watch any given MOTD clip from this season. See what percentage of Chelsea chances are either created or finished by Frank. It's around 90%, I swear.

I keep saying that of all the Chelsea players, including JT, him missing from matches (I mean not being on the pitch) has the biggest negative effect in terms of our performances.

Cheers,

Butch

The "Look at me, everybody" thing is certainly not new (I remember a photo of a colleague attending a festival, OMG, she made Phil Brown look like a 1) but this is the first time such a mature, scientifically sound approach has been set up. Soon to be mastered in universities near you.

Well done Liam, don't forget to claim the intellectual rights!

Liam, this is clearly brilliant, but i do have to agree with g4 that Lampard must surely have a higher rating, if only for that pink shorts and vest combo he was spotted wearing a few months ago. If any outfit screams LAME, then surely that does?

Agree with most of that although I could do with Anelka's bit translating back into English.

As there is only transfer gossip going on on the site at the moment I think to give us all a read you should do your Lame ratings on the rest of the top 5...maybe include managers and for good measure throw in Hull City?

Mikel has gone backwards this season.

I'm surprised that you think this is even possible!

Ballack - 5.5 - Just not good enough from our Tippytoeing Teutonic Tosser, if he was a young lad from Barnet he wouldn't get near our reserve team. Runs around a lot apparently. (I realise G4 likes him which means he probably is good). Add to the misplaced passes, the frequent fouls, the jumping out of challanges, and the meagre goal count a LAME index of 6, then as Danielle Lloyd would say just f**k off home Micheal.

You realise you sound like sexelk, don't you?

Good post though.

Has anyone EVER seen Liam and Sexelk in the same room?

I only asking!

Anelka - 7.5 - Le Francais le plus francais de l'histoire de France. Si vous cherchez le mot "insouciant" dans le dictionnaire vous y trouverez une photo de notre petite merveille. Il y a meme un "s" muet dans son nom, sans deconner.

For Chippy:

Anelka - 7.5 - The most French Frenchman in the history of France. If you look for the word "carefree" in the dictionary, you will find a photo of our little marvel. There's even a silent "s" in his name, no kidding.

The point of the silent "s" joke is that Nicolas is pronounced Nicola in French.

Liam is Sexelk's alter-ego? Does Liam like power ballads, then?

For Chippy:

Anelka - 7.5 - The most French Frenchman in the history of France. If you look for the word "carefree" in the dictionary, you will find a photo of our little marvel. There's even a silent "s" in his name, no kidding.

The point of the silent "s" joke is that Nicolas is pronounced Nicola in French.

Liam is Sexelk's alter-ego? Does Liam like power ballads, then?

I did attempt to translate that, but it was all a mess haha.

"If you look for the word "carefree" in the dictionary, you will find a photo of our little marvel." I got that bit right though :lol:

The point of the silent "s" joke is that Nicolas is pronounced Nicola in French.

Thanks for that Moi. What would we do without you? Incidentally "insouciant" should remain untranslated as it is used in English.

You realise you sound like sexelk, don't you?

He's trying to be me. Anyway we Irish lads should stick together, eh Sexelk?

Thanks for that Moi. What would we do without you? Incidentally "insouciant" should remain untranslated as it is used in English.

I know "insouciant" is used in English. I was TRYING to be tactful, in case there were some people who didn't know what "insouciant" meant.

I know "insouciant" is used in English. I was TRYING to be tactful, in case there were some people who didn't know what "insouciant" meant.

I would never underestimate the good people of the Shed End Forum.

Anyway Loz can always Google it.

I didn't think that the French even had a word for insouciant.

I know "insouciant" is used in English. I was TRYING to be tactful, in case there were some people who didn't know what "insouciant" meant.

*cough*

Bless you, RBJ.

Bless you, RBJ.

Well done Liam spot on :P