2009/10 - at the Fulham Mitre November 21st, 2009

[loz]

2009/10 Shed End Piss Up

(NOTE THIS WILL BE UPDATED WITH PHOTOS ONCE I HAVE THEM)

Also note that I have changed the permissions on this forum so people can respond to this post.

The 2009 piss up bore witness to the earliest start I have ever had to make to endure Geezer’s one liners rather than just reading them. My alarm went off at 0450 which is about as welcome as Thierry Henry will be at the 2010 Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking festival.

One Glasgow Airport pint and five hours of planes, trains and automobiles later I was strolling into Lloyds Bar in Fulham Broadway. Strolling into was the easy part, strolling through was a hell of a lot more difficult. My shoes stuck to the floor the way the pages of the women’s underwear section in Gullit4’s Kay’s Catalogue stick together. You could have been forgiven for thinking the previous evening had seen the bar play host to the filming of a 15 on 1 porn flick and nobody had mopped up.

Speaking of porn, across the bar, I saw Valerie sitting at a table, a table which it transpired was as sticky as the floor. However all thoughts of hygiene were cast aside when I saw it was only £3.95 for a monster breakfast – sadly the bar wasn’t open yet so coffee was the drink of choice.

Before we ordered we waited patiently for the arrival of Bluecelery and Beth who had travelled over from Los Angeles. That didn’t stop the pair of them having more friends in the pub than Ethicalstrategy has in life. It made even less sense when you learned that Bluecelery (Danny), as well as being a Chelsea fanatic, is also a huge baseball fan – poor man’s cricket.

Big breakfasts all round, and when I say big I mean Rafa Benitez, and then a quick trip to the hotel to drop off my bag. Midday saw Val and I enter the Mitre closely followed by Gullit4 who announced his newly acquired status of Bollywood aficionado – at least according to his German film lecturer. A couple of quiet but swift pints later and the crowd filled as Geezer, Ethicalstrategy, Liam, Donal, Goose, Jones1905 and Bonetti swelled the numbers.

Liam’s arrival was especially heart felt – the warm bone crushing hand shake he offered me made me wonder if he had taken my comment about the Irish getting what they deserved against France to heart. It was either the handshake or the fact it was accompanied by a direct reference to him taking my comment about the Irish getting what they deserved against France to heart. Sometimes these things have to be spelt out.

Meanwhile, in a bed a little further North, Plokoon hadn’t managed to drag his unwashed carcass out of bed and there was an empty seat on a London bound bus with his name on it. Some hasty text based negotiations with Val later and our soon to be anti hero was booked on a train.

The blackboards on the way in had advertised the live screening of some ugly sport where grown men find great pleasure rubbing their arse cheeks together and resting their team mates testicles on the back of their necks. These games were on Sky so it was surely safe to assume the pub would be able to screen the Bin Dippers vs Man City game which kicked off a long time before the rugby did. Ethical made enquiries at the bar only to be informed this was a ‘rugby pub’ and that football was beneath them – happy enough to take football fans money though! Geezer later recognised that the landlord was the ex-landlord at the Pelican who had treated us like sh*t a few years ago – safe to say we won’t be going to the Mitre again.

At my request G4 retold his Bollywood story as Bonetti had missed it first time round. Bonetti joined his hands under his chin and wiggled his head from left to right – this was the sort of comedy genius you just don’t get on the BBC anymore.

As his head waggled the bar lights reflected unfavourably upon his hair – his going grey failed to disguise the fact he was once ginger.

Round about this time BJD was settling down to some sort of prawn related dish in the blue Elephant. His mother-in-law elect looked at him with proud approving eyes.

The laughs were in full swing by now with Liam providing few but indulging selfishly. I asked brudder Donal if he was always this way and Donal nodded sagely. Liam did crack a ‘joke’ about Roy Keane, Stephen Ireland and a girl called Brian but nobody laughed. It turned out Shed End newcomer Jones1905 hadn’t been listening at the time so Liam cried foul and demanded a replay.

News from Plokoon was encouraging – he had made it to St Pancras. My instructions were clear. Get on the Victoria line, change at Victoria, onto the District line and get off at Fulham Broadway. If my instructions were more transparent than that they would look like Jamie Carragher with the sh*t kicked out of him. We then asked 100 people what mode of transport they would use to get across London if time was of the essence. 99 chose the Tube, Plokoon chose the number 14 bus.

Time was ticking on and kick off was approaching. Bonetti would not be returning after the game so bid us farewell by clasping his hands together under his chin and waggling his head from left to right. G4 burst into song.

Everybody made their way into their respective parts of the stadium except me. I stood outside So Bar waiting for Plokoon – his ticket burning a hole in my pocket. My watch’s minute hand, in a somewhat orthodox fashion, moved in a clockwise direction and before long the big hand was pointing to the twelve whilst the little hand pointed to the three. I waited as patiently as I would for the climax of a blow job from a whore who charged by the second.

A roar filled the air – either there was a stripper on the park or we had scored. I had kept my eyes open and not seen too many lookers going in so I was betting on it being a Chelsea goal. Plokoon’s arse was in grave danger of being hoofed.

Then I get a call. He is off the bus and making his way toward the stadium. He informed me I would recognise him because he was wearing a Chelsea shirt (Christ our education system is in trouble) although he did add that he had long scraggly hair and a big nose. Whilst his timekeeping is poor his honesty is to be admired – all three things were true.

So we rush in and get to our seats just after Malouda had put is 1-0 up. Liam and Donal are sitting beside us – both insist it is still 0-0 as they were refusing to count any goals scored by Frenchmen. Mikel played some glorious six yard passes. Donal had his card marked as a potential Man of the Match but Liam pointed out he was only playing Wolves and that there was a 1,000,000-1 chance that his passport could be forged and he may be from a French colony. Donal booed.

This is not a review of the match itself so other than reminding people it was a comprehensive 4-0 thrashing I will point out just two points of note. Anelka was replaced by Kakuta on the hour mark. As Anelka left the Chelsea fans applauded. The family Moulton turned their backs and stuck out their bottom lips.

Kakuta put in an excellent 30 minute shift and convinced us that a transfer window ban will probably be worth it. Liam noted that he never tracked back.

Liam also took the time to pay homage to missing Shed End irregular Pauly – reference to Duff being one footed was made.

After the full time whistle Donal bid us farewell. He had some tale about having to meet friends however I feel he was still reeling from his atrocious hotel booking ability. Let this be a lesson to all who plan trips to Fulham in future – a hotel at Canary Wharf is not ideal.

Liam, Plokoon and I made our way back to the Mitre to be greeted by the previous crowd (plus the returning Bluecelery) and also Donal. It transpired that honesty, as well as grasp of geography, were not his strongest points.

The place was still full of sports fans that were born sh*t at football so took up an inferior sport, To avoid them we settled down in the beer garden. Also joining us was Plokoon’s Man Utd supporting friend and a possible new poster who Geezer invited down – top bloke who is the main man in the Guernsey Chelsea supporter’s club.

The beers flowed on through the evening although Liam, Goose, Ethicalstrategy and Donal did their best to strangle all hope of continued camaraderie by indulging in a personal crusade through the intricacies of golf. They planted the seeds for a Shed End golf tournament. We can only hope for a cold winter and a wet spring, summer and autumn.

In an attempt to turn the conversation toward more humorous matter I steered the conversation toward myself (hard to believe but desperate times call for desperate measures). I embarked on what would have been a three hour roller coaster of emotion full of tears, cheers, jeers and beers, but was stopped in my tracks when ethical heard me mention that my father had worked at Reeds School. It turned out that he had been a student there at the same time, and although my Dad didn’t teach him, he was taught by one of my parent’s best friends. Before you know it he was on the phone to my Dad, getting bleary eyed and lamenting the loss of his childhood. I swear at one point he asked the barman of they had scissors so he could cut his trousers off at the knee and he was begging Geezer to bowl him a googly.

Geezer may have been prepared to accommodate Ethical but was too occupied fending off queries from Liam about posting “Happy Birthday my sweet" to some runaway Scot in the ‘Land Whose Name Liam Will Not Mention’

Hunger pangs were kicking in so we decided to hunt sustenance. Scott’s absence meant we didn’t need artillery, simply a nose for a Chinese restaurant. At this point we parted ways with Bluecelery (a very welcome addition to the Shed End) and nearly bid farewell to Valerie who seemed keen to celebrate finding her breasts by offering them to a rugby playing Blackburn fan. Liam thinks he played a part in persuading her otherwise but we all know it was a hug from the better looking Moulton brother who persuaded her to join us for munchies. Liam is planning to protest outside the Dutch embassy.

£10 a head for a Chinese meal and a beer – that my friends is a bargain and form this day on I nominate Chop Chop as the food joint of choice for all Shed End piss ups! It does have a somewhat quirky ordering system whereby you tick boxes on a sheet. The ensuing chaos was too much for Ethical to bear and we witnessed the rearing of his corporate management head as he assumed control of planning and implementation. Twenty minutes later we, to be fair, all had food but also had enough prawn toast to feed the cast off ‘Enter the Dragon’, a large surplus bowl of water filled with the contents of a tropical garden whilst Ethical had not one curry but two – I trust his business is dealing with the economic downturn in a more economical fashion!

After the meal we bid farewell to Plokoon and his Man Utd supporting friend and also to Valerie who, by staying alive till 11pm broke her previous record by a country mile. G4, Liam, Geezer and I cross the road to indulge in a last round in Brogans before we call an end to the proceedings.

Meanwhile BJD is back home sipping tea, eating dairy cakes and making appropriate appreciative noises about holiday snaps.

So all that is left to say is ‘chelseabootboy – where were you?’

Oh and to report that Liam now hates Stephen Ireland – personally I am warming to the lad.

[moi]

Well worth waiting up for! Thank you, Loz! I look forward to the photos tomorrow.

[loz]

Liam's Post

(sorry couldn't merge them properly)

A fun time was had by all on yet another successful, drink-sodden piss up.

Ratings:

Bonetti - 7 Didn't really get the chance to talk but he's made me laugh so many times on the site he gets a well-deserved 7.

G4 - 6 There were so many times I intended to defend him against the unfair allegations that he doesn't go the bar but I never did. So now is my chance. G4 did go the bar. It's not his fault that we were on our way to the restaurant at that stage.

Jones 1905 - 7 Promising debut from the young lad but is he able for the hustle and bustle of Shed End piss ups. Only time will tell.

Plokoon - 9 When Loz finally arrived at the match I wondered why he had brought his niece with him. However when she belched "Archbishop of Canterbury" I took a closer look. Top man Plokoon and my Mikel of the Match. Extra point for making Loz miss the best goal ever scored at Stamford Bridge.

Plokoon's Mate - 7 A modest Manure fan? There must be some mistake.

Valerie - 8 Buxom, beautiful and boozed up to the nines, Valerie never disappoints, and this year was no exception. Had to be bullied into going for the meal which had nothing to do with Bluecelery's good looks.

Liam's Brother - 5 Once his offer to Valerie for "the best ride of her life" was rejected he sloped off with eyes downcast. When I was 4 years old he offered me a red hot poker which he had left in the fire for 5 minutes with the immortal words "Grab this". I still have the scar.

Ethicalstrategy - 7 I think he's coming around, I really do. Also admitted finally what we knew all along - Mourinho makes him hard!

Goose - 8 Great to meet the first president of The Shed End golf society. Shot even higher in my estimation when Loz asked if he could come on the golf outing and Goose nearly beat Ethicalstrategy and myself to the resounding "no".

Bluecelery - 7 Didn't really get to talk to you mate but Liam's Brother reckons you're sound and that's good enough for me.

Loz - 5 Not content with pissing on the misery of my nation on the forum Loz had to turn the screw at every available juncture. Couldn't have been happier that he missed out on those delicious first 4.5 minutes when the result was in balance, and that he missed Malouda's goal which all agreed was the finest ever scored at Stamford Bridge. Later on he proved yet again that when you take away Google there is very little left.

Geezer - 6 Sat in the corner mumbling the words "Happy Birthday my sweet", and drooling. Weird!

Oh and in years to come we can all say "I was there" for Kakuta's debut, although whether or not he can track back remains to be seen.

[Scott]

I feel like I was there, great narrative Loz.

[Liam]

Brilliant Loz.

[Backbiter]

Great reports - look forward to the pics when Loz gets them back in the post from TruPrint.

[MHL_blue]

Good reading Makes me a bit sad I couldn't be there aswell, but I hope there will be more piss ups in the future.

[Tim W]

Just wondering, did G4 make it to the bar this year

[moi]

Just wondering, did G4 make it to the bar this year

The Gospel according to Liam: G4 DID go to the bar, but not till they were on their way to the restaurant!

[bjd]

Cant help but feel my get together has been somewhat exaggerated - it was only me, my cousin , my bro in law and my father in law after all! Luckily i only have to do that when we play Wolves, and luckily that only seems to happen every 5 years, judging by what i saw on Sat that wont be changing ....

Anyway , seems a great day was had by all.

Out of interest did Mick show his face? - i see no mention of him. He left me a voicemail on Sat to say he was going and would i be there etc

[geezer]

Cant help but feel my get together has been somewhat exaggerated - it was only me, my cousin , my bro in law and my father in law after all! Luckily i only have to do that when we play Wolves, and luckily that only seems to happen every 5 years, judging by what i saw on Sat that wont be changing ....

Anyway , seems a great day was had by all.

Out of interest did Mick show his face? - i see no mention of him. He left me a voicemail on Sat to say he was going and would i be there etc

No he didn't mate. He text me saying he was in the Slug & Lettuce (it's an away pub for frigs sake!!) and told me to get the beers in as he was on his way up. One hour later still no sign. Good job I didn't get those beers in.

As for the landlord (formerly of the Pelican), I left a message for him on behalf of you all saying how much he reminded us of fat Rafa - his club has all the ingredients and plenty of history but he can't manage it to save his life!

[andy]

Sounds rubbish as usual .. glad I couldn't make it :)

[ethicalstrategy]

Things I learnt at the Shed End Piss Up:

Never agree to play golf at 8 the morning after.

You can always rely on Loz to want some fancy real ale when the bar is heaving - ordinary lager not good enough for him, oh no!

If you talk to Liam long enough you realise that, despite knowing nothing about football, he's surprisingly good company. Although, like Val, I prefer his brother (for very different reasons, I hasten to add.)

Geezer didn't actually try and jump on anything in a skirt which surprised me.

Best use of foul language goes to Val which is impressive when it's not even her first language.

But most of all, what a great bunch of lads and lasses you all are.

[moi]

Things I learnt at the Shed End Piss Up:

Never agree to play golf at 8 the morning after.

You can always rely on Loz to want some fancy real ale when the bar is heaving - ordinary lager not good enough for him, oh no!

If you talk to Liam long enough you realise that, despite knowing nothing about football, he's surprisingly good company. Although, like Val, I prefer his brother (for very different reasons, I hasten to add.)

Geezer didn't actually try and jump on anything in a skirt which surprised me.

Best use of foul language goes to Val which is impressive when it's not even her first language.

But most of all, what a great bunch of lads and lasses you all are.

Thank you, Ethical, you've made an lady of indeterminate age very happy!

[bjd]

No he didn't mate. He text me saying he was in the Slug & Lettuce (it's an away pub for frigs sake!!) and told me to get the beers in as he was on his way up. One hour later still no sign. Good job I didn't get those beers in.

That sounds like Mick all over to be fair!

[Scott]

That sounds like Mick all over to be fair!

Exactly what I was thinking bjd. :D

[bluegraham]

Glad you all had fun. Will be at the next one i hope.

[bonetti]

A few facts you should know

Loz was drinking a beer called Timmy Taylor - draw your own conclusions!

G4 will play the race card within 2 minutes of meeting him

Val is a pleasure to meet but you might think her head's on back to front

You will never see Liam and Bryan Ferry in the same room

I have not got ginger hair - it did used to be strawberry blond but now I dye it white

[Jones1905]

Had a great time on Saturday, although having snuck off a little early for a sing-song in the So Bar, I went back after the match and it was packed with rugby fans without a shedend member in sight, I'm guessing I arrived back too late or the New Zealand Haka scared everyone off... I especially enjoyed the discussion about whether "strawberry blond" was the correct term for Ginger hair, and having my program nicked out of my back pocket whilst queueing up for the match.. I turned around with vengeance and a death stare shouting "WHO STOLE MY WALLET"...only to be humbled by the words "it's only us, Sandy, and it's just your program anyway!" coming from the Irish brothers who I'd met earlier! All in all a great day out and look very much forward to the next piss up or get together! Jonesy

[moi]

Please, PloKoon, can we have your first impressions of the ShedEnders you met on Saturday?

[geezer]

Please, PloKoon, can we have your first impressions of the ShedEnders you met on Saturday?

I doubt he'll remember too much

[moi]

I doubt he'll remember too much

He can just do what Loz does - make it up!

[Valerie]

The piss-up started early for me with a tekst from Blue Celery, aka Danny, pursuading me to join him, Beth, and Loz for breakfast at Lloyds. Normally not one for a group brekkie, I relented. Loz joined me 10 minutes later, complaining about sticky surfaces. I’m used to it, my kitchen is exactly the same.

We were starving, but politely waited for the American delegation. Loz showed himself seriously resentful of the Americans rejection of Britain‘s tough love of yore, by promising me to knock off Danny’s cap. True, Americans seem very fond of their baseball caps, but I’m sure there are still some Yanks left who wear Davey Crockett-style dead animals on their heads instead.

As it was, Danny and Beth showed up hatless. Danny wore perfectly regulated teeth, Beth wore her mobile glued to her head, and apparently knowing everyone in sight. I’m telling you: Obama is lost without her, and so are Chelsea FC.

Loz, bless him, was confessed to insecurity about finding his hotel, which also happened to be my hotel. We couldn’t have him lost before the piss-up actually started, Tim W would never forgive me, so playing the Good Samaritan, I guided him to the Ibis to help him drop off his luggage. I had to wash half my breakfast out of my shirt anyway.

Then it was off to the Mitre. A few minutes later G4 joined us, followed by Ethicalstrategy, Liam and and brother Donal, Bonetti, Geezer, and Goose. New member Jones1905 hung out at the bar for about 20 minutes before concluding he was safe with us.

I can’t really remember how our conversation digressed from the subject of the credit crunch, but all of a sudden Donal offered me a choice between watching Chelsea and the ride of my life. It broke my heart, but hey, I can get a ride of my life any day of the week, but watching Chelsea is restricted to about twice a year! So I had to turn him down. Later, when I heard he had booked a hotel for Liam and him somewhere near Iceland, I understood his desire to get a bed closer by, although I secretly hope my tits were also a factor. Geezer approved of them, anyway. Yes, we’re all very candid with each other on piss-ups.

And then there was the Plokoon saga. The silly boy had overslept, missed his bus, and asked for my advice whether or not to fork out 47 quid for the train. I am a wise woman, and at the time still sober, so I told to get his bum on a train seat. We thought all would be well. Uh-huh, sure! He would have made better time from St. Pancras had he hitch-hiked! Anyway, Loz waited for him in front of the So Bar, because he hadn’t spent 85p on a stamp to mail Joe his ticket. It made Tweedledum and Tweedledee miss the first goal.

We were scattered through the stadium, I was in the Shed Upper, bonding with a bald gorilla in the next seat. He agreed that in view of my impeccable reputation as the Prediction Queen, 5-0 would be a much better score than either 4-0 or 6-0. Well, you know how it ended. Bloody Essien should have scored. Didn't Kakuta promise much for the future, though!

After the match, we headed back to the Mitre. Big blokes frightened us enough to set up camp outside, where we finally got to meet Plokoon. His hair is as long as Lady Godiva’s, but I forgave him that faux pas, because he was so enthousiastic and clearly chuffed to have lost his Chelsea cherry. Another one attending his first match was Blue Celery, who had had his pre-match drinks elsewhere, presumably with Beth in the home dressing room.

Things are hazy from there. I remember:

- reminiscing with Ethicalstrategy about the semi final at Wembley last season (did you send my regards to your mum, Paul?) and swopping intimate life stories;

- having Goose explain to me about Ulster vis-a-vis the Republic (we both ended up not understanding anything at all);

- having a group picture taken with Bluecelery’s CIA flag (Chelsea in America)

- Liam being disappointed he hadn’t managed to shake off Donal after the match

- lamenting Andy’s absence due to mixed-up priorities

- lamenting Tim W’s absence due to a conflicting travelling schedule

- Liam assuring us that the Irish don’t hold a grudge for more than 600 years

- being infiltrated by Rob, Plokoon’s Manure supporting mate. Very decent fellow though.

- being dragged off to ChopChop for a meal. I was very surprised by my order of a bucket of broth with things floating in it. I blame Peter Kenyon, although Ethical may have had something to do with it as well. On the other hand, I wasn’t thinking straight anymore by that time.

And all of a sudden, it was about 11pm, and I realised that if I would have even one more sip to drink, everything, including ChopChop’s broth with things floating in it, would be floating next to me in the gutter. So cue a hug-fest and the walk back to the hotel. I’m okay now, thanks.

When’s the next one? Will both Liam's brothers attend?

Edited November 23, 2009 by Valerie

[loz]

Jones1905,

You have all the invesitgative skills of a Daily Mail journalist - we were all out the back of the pub sitting round a table (straight behind the screen where the neanderthals were sitting)

[geezer]

Jones1905,

You have all the invesitgative skills of a Daily Mail journalist - we were all out the back of the pub sitting round a table (straight behind the screen where the neanderthals were sitting)

We were the ones doing the occasional moonie at the window.