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Season's Player Ratings


Liam

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This year's fun theme is The Chelsea Family, where for no obvious reason I will try to liken each player to a member of a typical, large, extended family.

Cech - Maternal Grandmother, an essential figure to the stability of the family but the poor dear is prone to flap around at times.

Obviously the form of Petr is essential to our well-being as a team and when he's good, we're good. Went through one dodgy period but came out of it and all in all was much better than last season. I still think our priority should be to buy a decent back up to keep the pressure on him.

Rating - 8

A Cole - Middle Girl's First Serious Boyfriend, you know he's a twat but you feel you have to like him for the family's sake.

An absolutely brilliant footballer, snappy in the tackle, with good positional sense and excellent pace. Immense going forward and my player of the season.

Rating - 9

Ferreira - Pet Dog, fluffy and cuddly but tends to get lost sometimes.

Came in and did a pretty good job despite occasional lapses. I like Paulo for reasons which I won't go into.

Rating - 7

Ivanovich - Dour Uncle from The Protestant Arm of the Family.

To be honest I didn't take much notice of him except to admire his magnificent gluteus maximi, although how he can run at all is a wonder to me. However he made the team of the season so he must be good.

Rating - 8

Carvalho - Paternal Grandmother, whose once significant influence on family affairs has waned with the years

Never really trusted Percy who is definitely from the Leboeuf School of Centre Halves and spends far too much time on his arse for my liking. Not a proper centre half.

Rating - 6

Alex - Head Gardener, always there when needed and performs an essential job all year round

A proper centre half.

Rating - 8

Terry - Oldest Boy, due to his position in the family he is expected to be a role model but no one asked him.

Brilliant player and cut from vintage cloth where centre halfs put their head in anywhere. Unfortunately this season we discovered he puts his cock in anywhere too. There is no doubt that, despite his protests, his form, and that of the whole team, were affected by his troubles off the pitch. It is a measure of the man that he finished the season so strongly.

Rating - 8

Mikel - First Grandchild, a lot is expected of him

Definite improvements this season and there have been some signs that there could be further improvements to come. However, although I have absolutely no proof of this, our results without him in the side were way better than when he played. Coincidence?

Rating - 7

Lampard - Middle Child, contributes enormously to family life but can be overlooked

We've been so spoilt by having Frank in the side that even in a season where he scored another sh*tload of goals somehow more was expected of him. Slightly dipped below his usual stratospheric standards but still a brilliant contribution.

Rating - 8

Malouda - Son/Brother-in-Law, you didn't really trust him at first but once you got to know him you discovered how nice he was

I've never been more wrong about a player. I simply could not see that he had the potential to be anything like as good he has turned out to be. And even more amazing is the fact that in recent games he has actually turned out to be a leader on the pitch. First name on the teamsheet now.

Rating - 9

Kalou - Cleaner, little did you know she was an engineer back home

Scarily Kalou has shown some signs of being the next Malouda. Could it happen again? Next season will be very interesting.

Rating - 7

J Cole - Adopted Boy, took him in when his parents died, loved by all the family

There's something about Joe that just makes you long for him to succeed. Really looks like he loves to play and that he would do it for nothing. However since his return from injury he looks like his body can't keep up with the instructions from his head leading to some horribly embarrassing moments. Can't see him making the final WC squad which would be a tragedy.

Rating - 6

Ballack - Head Butler, been in service so long that he looks like he is counting the days to retirement

Despite G4 telling us in his bi-monthly posts that he's a good player, no one else can actually see it. Seriously, what does he do?

Rating - 5

Anelka - Token Gay Friend of the Family, just to show how liberal we are really

Adorns games rather than influences them, the man with the most time on the ball in world football, the world's Frenchiest Frenchman, is the most unChelsealike player we have ever had. I love him really with his little hand waving celebrations but he's the footballing equivalent of the cherry on the top of the icing on the top of the cake.

Rating - 7

Drogba - The Baby Girl, needs more arms around her than the rest of the family put together, but oh the joy she brings

I doubt we'll ever have a better striker, one more suited to the modern game, than Drogba. His overall contribution to practically every match is beyond what could be reasonably expected of one player. And then he is always good for a laugh with his recent comedy pouting up there with some of his best moments.

Rating - 9

Ancelotti - Paternal Grandafather, head of the family, despite his recent stroke leaving him with only the use of his left eyebrow

The first coach to successfully harvest Jose's Steam, it will be really interesting to see what he can achieve given adequate backing and 4 more years. We could be on the verge of a dynasty. Seems to be a genuinely nice guy as well, which must be front because nice guys never win.

Rating - 9

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Crazy to rate Joe Cole above Michael Ballack. Ballack does all the little things no one else does, and no one gives credit for (are you listening, LIAM?). Joe Cole had a piss-poor season, and just because he played well in the last game does not change that fact.

For the other rankings, I can quibble a point one way or the other, but they seem correct to me. Perhaps Kalou was a bit too high, since he was poor for much of the season, and just because he played well at the end should not make his score too high, since you have to figure in the entire season, and not weight the end of the season heavier than the beginning or the middle of the season.

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Crazy to rate Joe Cole above Michael Ballack. Ballack does all the little things no one else does, and no one gives credit for (are you listening, LIAM?). Joe Cole had a piss-poor season, and just because he played well in the last game does not change that fact.

Are you saying I can't let my prejudices influence my ratings?

Deadly serious ratings there Mod.

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J Cole - Adopted Boy, took him in when his parents died, loved by all the family

There's something about Joe that just makes you long for him to succeed. Really looks like he loves to play and that he would do it for nothing. However since his return from injury he looks like his body can't keep up with the instructions from his head leading to some horribly embarrassing moments. Can't see him making the final WC squad which would be a tragedy.

Let's hope if he were to leave it wasn't because we wouldn't offer him the supposed wages he wanted....!

Witty as ever though.

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Please feel free to go into your reasons for liking Paulo; otherwise we might jump to the wrong conclusion!

He looks like a little boy. I hope that puts your mind at rest.

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Funny Ratings :( ,

I thought a bit hard on the Head Butler,

I think the reason we played better without Mikel wasn't a problem that Mikel or Ballack created, more a problem the two together create, Ballack has been fine without Mikel and I dare say Mikel will be fine without Ballack, just far two ponderous with the pair of them in there.

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Thank you all for your suggestions and kind words (except the use of the word "old"!).

Here are the ratings again including a few extras. It would be interesting to see other members ratings and comments.

Cech - 8

Ferreira - 7

Ivanovich - 8

A Cole - 9 Player of the Season

Terry - 8

Alex - 8

Carvalho - 6

Belletti - 7

Zhirkov - 7

Ballack - 5

J Cole - 6

Deco - 7

Mikel - 7

Lampard - 8

Malouda - 9

Kalou - 7

Anelka - 7

Drogba - 9

What do you think?

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Cech - 7 ) was a bit worried about him,back to his v best next season

Ferreira - 7) able understudy when required

Ivanovich - 8.5) what a titan,him and vidic cut from the same stone,can play a bit

A Cole - 9) absolutely best in his position in world,no more nees said

Terry - 8.5) if he hadn't of shagged about,and loost a bit of form,player of the year potential,boy can he play a bit tho

Alex - 8.5) towering presence,unbeatable,brazillian muscle,and no nonsense defender

Carvalho -5) best years behind him,always good to see him fit tho

Belletti - 6) would love im to have been here 5 years ago,but good player

Zhirkov - 7.5) a great fill in on left

Ballack - 7 the teutonic master,he just oozes look at me i can play,german captain for wc says it all

J Cole - 5.5) poor season poor form,sad for the guy

Deco - 7) never lose your class,beautiful footballer,so easy on the eye

Mikel - 7) holds well,but not mobile enough

Lampard -9.5) my player of year,if he didn't have a mini slump,golden boot boy,how can anyone compare him to stevieme not even close

Malouda - 9) what a turn around,awsome in full flow

Kalou - 7) flatter to decieve,but shows huge potentail

Anelka - 8) plays like zidanne so much time on the ball,and scores more

Drogba - 9.5) no one to touch the guy,simply unplayable most of the time,got all the attributes,to be the v best

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Ballack - 7 the teutonic master,he just oozes look at me i can play,german captain for wc says it all

What it says to me is that Germany have even less chance of winning the WC this time around than England.

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