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Season 22-23 - Lets predict how are things at Chelsea?


evissy
Eton Blue at the Chelsea Megastore

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A little prediction-game...the new season starts August 6th. What has happened to Chelsea since then? One or more event...

-Boehly consortium has bought Chelsea

-Thomas Tuchel is still the manager

-Marina and Petr are also in their positions

-Fans are buzzing for the new start with the new owner

-Lewi Colwill has impressed in the pre-season and it seems he is staying with the first team

-Kounde deal is not done. Sevilla hold him for ransom.

-Lukaku is leaving Chelsea and going back to Inter but the deal is far from done. It is 50-50.

-Gallagher is with the first team.

-Rice rumours have been on all summer him giving cryptic messages to the press about new challenges.

-Twitter is Chelsea's new main shirt sponsor. We get sh*t from Tottenham fans about using a bird in our shirt. Chelsea fans are worried the bird puts us under Tottenham curse.

-Tuchel has found a new girlfriend. Unfortunately she is famous Instagram-hottie and journalists regularly ask about her in the pressers. 

-Callum Hudson-Odoi is sold to PSG for 39m. He is also considering switching national team to Ghana as he hasn't been able to break into Team England. 

-Mendy is the new face for Mentos. The campaign is a disaster. 

Hakim Ziyech scores 8 goals in the pre-season and gets injured in the last outing before the season against Arsenal in a pre-season tournament.

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2 hours ago, evissy said:

-Kounde deal is not done. Sevilla hold him for ransom.

-Rice rumours have been on all summer him giving cryptic messages to the press about new challenges.

-Twitter is Chelsea's new main shirt sponsor. We get sh*t from Tottenham fans about using a bird in our shirt. Chelsea fans are worried the bird puts us under Tottenham curse.

Cry Reaction GIF by SpongeBob SquarePants

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Tuchel stays because new owners won't sack him like Roman would, he might not sign a new deal though because of the family situation.

Kounde will be a Chelsea player 100%

3 will continue to be our sponsor unless they've actually broken rules in the contract with their actions which allows us to terminate it. 

Lukaku will stay because we can't get rid of him, Broja will alleviate that problem but also devalue him as well if he plays over him. I really am hoping that PSG are dumb enough to think of him as a replacement for Mbappe.

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The year is 2022,

 

Roman Abramovich has rejected the 3 remaining bidders, considering them not to have Chelsea's best interests at heart.

Abramovich instead gifts the club the a consortium made up from theshedend.

@Munkworth passes a vote to have the club's crest changed to our lion urinating on the Southampton badge.

@Valerie strikes a deal Carte D'or to become an official club sponsor and matchday ice cream provider.

@coco puts forward an agenda to remain a stand in honour of our former owner but gets the details wrong and nobody shows for the meeting.

@moi , @Beerqueen and @CaitlinCFC are voted in as the new heads of our cheerleding section. 

The consortium is 50/50 split on whether Jorginho should be given a new contract and a statue in his honour, or locked in the club's boiler room and the key thrown away.

@Zeta sets up the clubs own betting shop.

@Mod is put in charge of administration and sponsorship deals.

The consortium receives 100% vote for the first time when deciding to exile Romelu Lukaku to QPR.

@dkw is appointed head of the TT application club.

@axman2526 is voted in as the clubs motivation speaker.

@RMH appoves and throws an extravagant party.

Additions welcome. 🙂

Edited by axman2526
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Kounde and Rice deals not being completed after constant reports throughout the summer that the deal is imminent is pretty on-point, I must say. Similarly for Lukaku leaving, you know Inter would fight and bicker and do anything and everything for us to continue to pay his wages even though we are selling him. Twitter being the sponsor of chelsea would absolutely have some chelsea fans freaking out thinking a bird on our shirt would cause us to turn into spuds-like bottle-jobs.

Leaving our transfer business to the last three weeks of the window, A Chelsea Tradition unlike any other

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53 minutes ago, axman2526 said:

The year is 2022,

 

Roman Abramovich has rejected the 3 remaining bidders, considering them not to have Chelsea's best interests at heart.

Abramovich instead gifts the club the a consortium made up from theshedend.

@Munkworth passes a vote to have the club's crest changed to our lion urinating on the Southampton badge.

@Valerie strikes a deal Carte D'or to become an official club sponsor and matchday ice cream provider.

@coco puts forward an agenda to remain a stand in honour of our former owner but gets the details wrong and nobody shows for the meeting.

@moi , @Beerqueen and @CaitlinCFC are voted in as the new heads of our cheerleding section. 

The consortium is 50/50 split on whether Jorginho should be given a new contract and a statue in his honour, or locked in the club's boiler room and the key thrown away.

@Zeta sets up the clubs own betting shop.

@Mod is put in charge of administration and sponsorship deals.

The consortium receives 100% vote for the first time when deciding to exile Romelu Lukaku to QPR.

@dkw is appointed head of the TT application club.

@axman2526 is voted in as the clubs motivation speaker.

@RMH appoves and throws an extravagant party.

Additions welcome. 🙂

Surely @mojo is head of gifs?

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58 minutes ago, axman2526 said:

The year is 2022,

 

Roman Abramovich has rejected the 3 remaining bidders, considering them not to have Chelsea's best interests at heart.

Abramovich instead gifts the club the a consortium made up from theshedend.

@Munkworth passes a vote to have the club's crest changed to our lion urinating on the Southampton badge.

@Valerie strikes a deal Carte D'or to become an official club sponsor and matchday ice cream provider.

@coco puts forward an agenda to remain a stand in honour of our former owner but gets the details wrong and nobody shows for the meeting.

@moi , @Beerqueen and @CaitlinCFC are voted in as the new heads of our cheerleding section. 

The consortium is 50/50 split on whether Jorginho should be given a new contract and a statue in his honour, or locked in the club's boiler room and the key thrown away.

@Zeta sets up the clubs own betting shop.

@Mod is put in charge of administration and sponsorship deals.

The consortium receives 100% vote for the first time when deciding to exile Romelu Lukaku to QPR.

@dkw is appointed head of the TT application club.

@axman2526 is voted in as the clubs motivation speaker.

@RMH appoves and throws an extravagant party.

Additions welcome. 🙂

 

Every player is rage sold after one match of bad play or missing what those of us who don't get paid millions to play football consider "an easy goal".   

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17 minutes ago, Munkworth said:

Surely @mojo is head of gifs?

Good point sir.

Also @Scott Harris and @Vagabond Co chairs the Kante appreciation society.

11 minutes ago, Valpo said:

 

Every player is rage sold after one match of bad play or missing what those of us who don't get paid millions to play football consider "an easy goal".   

@USATim head of Chelsea-American relations

Edited by axman2526
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Lukaku is sold. We buy Chiesa. Chiesa wins. 

Tuchel gets into Mbappe's ear and we sign him just to piss off Madrid. 

Werner sees Mbappe and proceeds to score 13 in the league. The clouds part. 

Pulisic stays injury free...for the first month and then does a hamstring. Comes back to fitness and complains about lack of game time. 

Our attacking play improves as all energy is conserved while Conor Gallagher and Kante chase the ball. 

We sign Saul and loan him out to Besiktas. 

Jorginho sold but no problem because Gilmour starts looking like prime Pirlo. 

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4 hours ago, axman2526 said:

The year is 2022,

 

Roman Abramovich has rejected the 3 remaining bidders, considering them not to have Chelsea's best interests at heart.

Abramovich instead gifts the club the a consortium made up from theshedend.

@Munkworth passes a vote to have the club's crest changed to our lion urinating on the Southampton badge.

@Valerie strikes a deal Carte D'or to become an official club sponsor and matchday ice cream provider.

@coco puts forward an agenda to remain a stand in honour of our former owner but gets the details wrong and nobody shows for the meeting.

@moi , @Beerqueen and @CaitlinCFC are voted in as the new heads of our cheerleding section. 

The consortium is 50/50 split on whether Jorginho should be given a new contract and a statue in his honour, or locked in the club's boiler room and the key thrown away.

@Zeta sets up the clubs own betting shop.

@Mod is put in charge of administration and sponsorship deals.

The consortium receives 100% vote for the first time when deciding to exile Romelu Lukaku to QPR.

@dkw is appointed head of the TT application club.

@axman2526 is voted in as the clubs motivation speaker.

@RMH appoves and throws an extravagant party.

Additions welcome. 🙂

Surely @erskblue is head of the photoshop department getting all the goals we ship showing Lukaku celebrating a goal for Inter.

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The new owners wanted to make a statement of intent.

We break our record transfer fee for a swashbuckling striker from Oceania continent. Heavily scouted and he is one of these players no one expected us to sign.

Chris Wood has joined for 160m from the mega rich Newcastle, who have been somehow persuaded to sell their star man, who have scored a stunning 2 goals in 10 or so games.

There is no limit to Chelsea’s aspirations with their signing, it screams they are out to challenge for every trophy with Chris Wood as the talisman. He has been given the cursed number 9, he said ‘Please don’t expect me to be the next Torres, I am Chris Wood. I have abit of Ginola and Ronaldinho in my play.’

Sky is the ceiling for Chelsea FC this season. A quadruple is very possible.

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6 hours ago, Mod said:

He couldn't do that job as he can only name one player!

Actually, I have been following Chelsea for five years. Seen every game. Know all the players. I would be a great Chelsea - American Relations Director. And I am readily available.

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Following the protracted sale to new owners, several out of contract players have gone, no new signings have been made (but many players are back from loans), Tuchel is heavily linked with the Newcastle job, the new owners announce Stamford Bridge is to be renamed in a sponsorship deal as investment companies demand early returns on their investment. And we're holding on to seventh place in the table.

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I predict the squad stays mostly the same with the key departures 

Christensen to Barca

Rudi to Real

Barkley to any Prem team (Everton if they stay up, Palace as a replacement for Connor, Newcastle etc the list goes on)

Sarr leaves to literally any club 

Gilmour goes on loan to another prem team hopefully Lamps if he stays up

Gallagher, Colwill, Broja and Sterling join the first team squad and Hall stays too 

Koundé is signed for £60m 

Another cb is signed Pau Torres, Gvardiol, (Tomori and Guehi both unlikely though since they only just moved), maybe someone who's not on radar an unknown superstar in the making

Rice is linked all throughout the summer nothing materialises

Lukaku linked with a move away all summer eventually the option is a loan or he stays most likely decided in the final weeks of the summer

Linked with Tchouaméni potentially buy him depending on needs in other areas and competition from other clubs

Kanté and Alonso sign new deals for a couple more seasons 

Jorginho 50/50 stays or goes

Azpilicueta signs a 1 year extension and stays for another couple of years

More deadwood is trimmed

Kepa is sold for a reasonable fee of €40-45m 

We sign another wide player depending on the shape we decide to play either a wb or wide forward

If Jorginho is sold we sign a new DM or CM depending on how much we pay for other players will reflect how much we can spend here. 

We start the season well like this current one and put ourselves near the top of the table keeping pace with Liverpool and City for the first month. 

Squad looks like 

Mendy, Bettinelli and another back up keeper or two

Defenders: Azpilicueta, Trevor, Silva, Reece, Ben, Hall, Colwill, Koundé and perhaps another CB

Midfielders: Kovacic, Kanté, Gallagher, RLC, Jorginho (maybe), Mount,

Wingers: Pulisic, CHO, Ziyech and a new winger

Strikers: Havertz, Werner, Broja and potentially Lukaku

 

Edit: Almost forgot the new owners are Boehly consortium and like OP Marina and Cech remain in their current roles. 

Boehly ends up being a rather avid football fan and has a similar ownership model to Roman for this specific club. He sets at least £150m aside for summer budget with additional income from players sales to be added.

 

 

Edited by LongtimerLurker
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